Conference Room Proprosal

Someone proposed in my co.'s conference room last Fri.
So not only are Business proposals presented over the conference room..
but Marriage proposal!!!
Whahha. Congrats to my dear sis SF and bro HH…:P
(i was bit shocked it was so fast..)

Something that got me thinking: public vs private proposal..

Prayer in a Praise..song

AM boost:

Ever wondered if you could pray while singing a praise song or praise God at the same time?

Well, listening to EVERYDAY (listened to the 1 by Lincoln Brewster, though should be fr Hillsong United)
Realised the lyrics are what I would end up praying in my heart for usually particularly for this song and then the praise would come at the end.." Everyday, it's You I live for.. Everyday.. I follow after You!"

prayer..
(verse 2)
Everyday Lord I learn to stand upon Your Word
And I pray that I might come to know You more
You guide me in every single step I take
And Everyday I will be a light unto the world..

(Praise!)
Everyday it's You I live for
Everyday I Follow after You
Everyday I walk with You my Lord

Of course it's possible. Prayer leads to praise! And praise leads to prayer..;P

But God, I will also need Your Word in my heart (and mind) so I can stand on it..a strong foundation that I can and will stand firm and not be shaken!!!

The Voice of..

My mum traumatizes me too..
Arghhh…
She had squabble with my aunt I'm staying with (step aunt to be exact) and quarrel with an issue concerning me. In their talk, asked me to shift out some more.
I became the middle issue. Or partly source.

Call me during lunch time. And *((*&)()(*)_*)(&)()(*)(*(*)(…….

Her voice itself traumatises me… for years and years….
(of course take some punch line advice and rebuke can already but.. It drones and drones…)
It's the voice...
:(

Addition to hate (discomfort) list: being caught in middle of quarrel. And they come and traumatize you. My mum talking to me (this need to overcome!!)

Think God is doing something (evoking the same emotions/situation) to see how I have changed or respond differently after what I have gone through....?

Conclusion:
We all need healing from the Lord a lott..
There's too many past hurts and wounds from life experience..

Q: Will I be the agent of peace? Will I be God's instrument to administer healing?
His love and healing power to the heart and soul..


One thing that I'm reminded of. The divinely planned guest instructor that came to teach at Hope Sem 'Inner Healing & Forgiveness' course last Sat.

"Jesus came to give us a full life.. But how do we get there?"...

John 10:10 - The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

Many couldn't experience or hindered from coming to having the full life that God intended.. And God has come to administer healing, to proclaim freedom

The 3 British people are involved in Christian Healing Ministry, Prayer Healing to be exact..
Interesting stuff..

Luke4:18 and Isaiah 61:8
"The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed,

"ariba ariba andale andale.."

I think i really needed to record this down. (bef i delete it away!!)
yesterday received a very funny SMS from my collegue, who's a very comical and fun loving person, who went to Vietnam on work visit. (he's a Phillipino btw).

"Hi Yan yi and Doreen my vpn is not accessible. Do i have any very urgent, life threatening emails that need immediate, super duper, speedy, ariba ariba andale andale attention. Thanks"

Sender: Michael Somera Ng Cvns
+65912774XX

this is so funny that everytime i look at it i can't help but laugh inside or out.
(I looked at my collegue then but she wasn't amused the other day. maybe becoz she was busy and also the one who has access to his email inbox to help him check).

;P so guess it's a personal thing. it reminded me of the mouse in cowboy had who runs very very fast while saying 'iba iba andale andale iba iba andale andale...' (instead of ariba ariba) running away from enemies if not wrong.

it instantly remembered the game that i and my bro ended up playing when we found 2 big magnets way when we were younger. We placed a small magnets on a table top, and played magnet cathing (moving the magnet on top with the two big magnets from the bottom of the table real fast). and i think we said "iba iba andale andale iba iba andale.." it was full of uncontrolled laughter and fun then, that impromtu game.

:)that was my memory induced laugther.

2 Sleepless nights and 2 lovely nephews..

Doreen Lim couldn't sleep at night on Friday and Saturday! And this is rare, and not that I could remember for a long long time! Was tossing and turning around from from past midnight till almost 2am plus or 3 am. And imagine the next 2 mornings need to wake up at 6 am plus or 7am plus.

Thinking it was my mind troubling me, and found relieve that at least this time my heart wasn't troubled! As in whatever that affects me did not get through to my heart to manifest in feelings..haha. (just my own consolation of having Improvement) The battle was in the mind instead. Subconciously, semi-consciously or sometimes conciously. But having a sleepless night isn't a great thing either! Now perhaps I know better why my mum or even my sheep have insomnia or have trouble sleeping at night.
But thank God, last nite (Sunday), for the very first time that I was SO GLAD that I actually 'concussed' or 'concusted'! (My term for falling asleep few minutes upon hitting your bed or pillow, and waking up at a weird timing, if not the next morning.) And that with the lights still on, and teeth not brushed. Usually I will feel remorseful, bad, until I'm desensitized towards this already.
I woke up at 5am. Then went back to sleep again. I really thank God..for letting me fall asleep.. If not, I don't know if I'll be able to stand or brave the coming 5 working days. Or even Monday! Sat and Sun I was already very sleepy and tired by late day, but yet couldn't sleep when I tried to rest. Mind's like refuse to shut down though body, eyes and brain's tired.

So thank and Praise the Lord for knowing my limit and me!

Sunday, spent lunch with my mum, 2 aunts, uncle, cousins, cousin-in-law, and my 2 lovely nephews at Tampines crystal jade.
(0h yes, my mum came from Msia since Tue. Found out she'll be back next Monday!! ;?). Brought my mum to Sunday service earlier).

The highlight was playing with my 2 lovely boys I mean my nephews. Yeah, they're not mine, and I seldom get to see them.
Ryan (6, primary 1 already!!! So fast..) and Shane boy.. Hahhaa. Shane's 3 now and has grown more lovely and adorable since!!!
Ok, taking care of kids or babies is NOT an easy matter. They require 24-hour attention!
Anyway, got the privilege to play with Ryan. Or seat beside him (he asked me one) and playing with me, or my HP specifically. Taking pics. Smart boy. Gotta use careful language and think of ways get him to finish his food before continuing taking pics of everything with my phone! Naughty boy. Take pics of people's butt some more, besides mushroom. Have to rebuke him.

Anyway, it is really fun interacting with kids.. Usually kids like me also.. Think perhaps older ones from age 4 onwards..
Shane is also soo cute, but didn't get to interact with him much.. Argh.


SHANE boy.. on his grandpa





Dear RYAN!!! :) Camera boy of the day!





Pic of me taken by Ryan!





Pic together 1 year or plus ago!! (Ryan and Shane Yap)

Add: Finally, last but not least..
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY! to my mum 13 MAY 2006


(why so red? coz CNY mah.. many years old pic ;P. Any pic on that Sunday has been deleted by Ryan!)

I Want Freedom!!!

I was screaming inside as i realize that 'I want FREEDOM!!!'..
I want to be free to fly and soar, to serve God with zeal and all power and strength. Again.
Feel that I've been robbed of joy for quite sometime. (1 Thessalonians 5:16 Be joyful always) or fullness and wellness of my heart and soul.. Where is the past happy and bubbly Doreen?
Yet I've learnt that joy is not hapiness alone... But the peace in the heart by trusting in God alone, that He is in control.
(So whatever I've been down with and struggling internally, or being tied down and held back with the sin that entangles…--God is definitely teaching me something, moulding me within, refining my being, making me like Him. eh, rhymms eh..)

And I thought of peseverance of the saints...

I searched for 'perseverance' in the bible.. And 13 came out in the NT.
Clicked on 1 Peter 1, and read around verse 3-7

Here's the answer:
His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.
5For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; 6and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; 7and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. -1 Peter 1:3-7

1. Faith..
2. goodness.. whatever positive and goodness of God i can grab hold or
fathom both mind and heart..yes, His promises..
3. knowledge - knowledge of God, knowledge and understanding of
what i am going through or going through internally as His created being.
4. self-control - to not let things go out of control or react/do
something silly or out of porportion/blow things off
5. perseverance - continue to pull through.. and seek God
continuosly!!arhh (Pray continually 1 Th 5:17)
6. godliness---the result of being..in Christ..
7. brotherly kindness --then i'll able to show love more and more
with true overflowing God's love
8. love -- and love then deep unconditionally and unlimitedlessly!!
i mean sacrificially..

MORE and MORE
8For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

amen

summary: perseverance >> godliness..

After effects and need for Deliverance

Still having some after effects..
Like when after you try quitting something, your body craves for it. (Hard to let go).
Having frustrated and tensed body whole day at work and can't concentrate well. Wanted to just go home and sleep.
Because of some trigger and your mind not de-programmed, you start responding the same way to the way you've been before. (Automated thought/ habitual respond pattern)
But I think there's some improvement as I tell my mind that it's been changed, so my body and heart won't respond to the previous way..
(mind needs to be renewed more and more each day-- if and when I go to God and think positive God Words thought, and sing songs of praise and worship to Him)


That's what I mean by dying to it..

Think I'm going crazy, but GOD.. Deliver me!!

Emotional (& mind) Learnings & Discoveries

Philippians 4:8
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

went to the two below workshops/seminar this 1st & 2nd May!
1st May's session was from 8.30am (started with P&W session thankfully!) up till 10pm!! the longest class i've ever had!! and what a marathon! amazingly and thankfully, my dear sheep also went, together with many other CG and Unit sisters (& a few) brothers. Quite encouraged to see many of them!

I think the workshop was really good and practical. It touched into the area or our inner being, the understanding of it that many of us seldom look into. Uptill when things happen and we feel so distressed, worked out etc. etc. and don't know why.
Worst, you hear stories of how people have been in bondage of a particular past hurt for 30 years until it was uncovered and healed, and finally freed!! after something happened that they ended up in places where people helped them to see themselves and overcome..

The councellors, people helper. (And of course with spiritual intervention where God came into the picture.) Only Christ and restore and heal our brokeness, give us hope and a new life, forgiveness of sin. Nothing else.


Help in Distressed Times Symposium

Date & Time: 1 May (Mon) 8:30am – 6:00pm
Venue: The Nexus Auditorium
Instructors: Doctoral students, School of Psychology & Counseling, Regent University

This symposium provides insight into the sources, symptoms and management of emotional distresses and different types of stress. It also consists of workshops covering topics such as anger management, emotional dependency, mood disorders, crisis management, work stress and grief. Biblical principles and practical exercises will be engaged. You would learn the techniques of caring for yourself and others.



Exploring God Workshop

Date & Time: 1 & 2 May (Mon & Tues) 7:30pm – 10:00pm
Venue: The Nexus Auditorium
Speaker: Dr. Glen Moriarty, Professor of Psychology, Regent University

In the Exploring God workshop, Dr. Moriarty helps participants identify and then find ways to change their emotional experience of God so that it more closely matches their theological beliefs about God. Many Christians report that they believe in God's love and forgiveness, but many struggles to experience God's love and forgiveness. They have head knowledge, but not heart knowledge. They understand God accepts them, but sometimes they sense that they have to be perfect to win His love. This workshop helps participants use practical tools to identify their emotional experience of God and then illustrates easy-to-follow steps to change this experience so it is in line with their Christian faith.

source: http://www.hopesingapore.org.sg/hopeseminary.htm



I was greatly blessed, inspired and learnt lots about myself and the emotions, pyschological principles from Dr. Glendon Moriarty
who lead the team of doctoral students.

I was blessed to have met a talked to a few more.. as they came to teach in the first lesson of AT107 'Inner Healing & Forgiveness' Hope Seminary course on Saturday.

1. Heather Brooke
2. Joanna ___
3. John
4. Shannan
5. Michelle King

Joanna is a missionary kid whos parents are fulfilling the call of God to minister to abandoned Children in Kenya. Their home has 49 children now..
at 17, she left to US for education and now is in the fourth and last year of her Clinical Psychology doctoral studies at Reagent University (same for the rest), the Uni where dear Charmaine Chee (Hope) studied.

Really blessed by their sharings.
And i understood more about emotions, my emotions, and how i can be secure and even acknowledge them. When i feel angry etc. etc.

In the past, i surpress or simply ignore or brush away emotions that are not pleasant
and simply forget about it. in the past, one year ago, i didn't understand that it's ok to feel hurt.. and acknowlegde so.. instead of thinking there's something wrong with me. in year 2005 up till current, i've been put into many circumstances where many emotions like hurt, anger, jealousy surfaced.. and i'm learning to acknowledge them and handle them in healthy and Christ-honoring ways..

I'm still in the process of discovering truths in this area and uncovering the past, buried or unresolved hurts and wounds to be healed by God.
Bit by bit. Well..towards emotional wellness and maturity!!
(They taught also that, people need to be equipped with the tools to cope with their past hurts or issues, before uncovering them, and as counsellors they need to do that)
This is out pouring of God's love in healing us and making us whole again in Him.
I believe this is crucial and also God's work in me to serve as His shepherd in the future.
--------------------
some learnings in brief:
1. Your Thinking affects how you feel, in terms affect how you behave.To change it, change your thinking (by replacing with God's truth)or thinking positive, you change how you feel and hence the outcome.
Applied in Cognitive Behavior Therapy

2. About God image
How you see (view or experience God) is more likely linked to how you view or relate to your parents in childhood.

We did a few surveys and actually discovered how i feel towards God has similarities to how i feel towards my dad sometimes. PLease note that this is the 'feel' or experience God emotionally part. (no time to elaborate my personal examples). can talk to me in person if you want examples.
btw, in my survey-- my negative God image shows God is a:
Divine Disappointment, Robber God,... etc..(forgot)..don't have my notes with me now..
this explains the doubts i had earlier about God's goodness and faithfulness in delivering His promises, not with-holding good things from me.
(And it ties in with how I feel towards my parents in the past, which shaped how i respond to life now. I'm quite a stingy and keep my posessions well kind of person because i felt that i wasn't well provided for, and whatever goodness i have, i guard it tightly, because i feel that if i don't, i have nothing for myself)
Now i'm still learning how to be more generous and give freely to bless others.
Difficult to comprehend and find a balance between being a 'good steward' or 'planning' with giving generously).

And of course in our mind, we know God is perfect, loving, merciful, gracious..etc. etc..
and at this seminar, the professor taught how we can connect our emotional/haert experience of God with our head knowledge of God.

For change to occur, we need both head knowledge and heart knowledge..

how true.

3. Interesting finding:
People are attracted to future spouse who are similar to how thier relationship with their parents are. For example, if a kid girl grew up with a alcoholic and abusive father,this person may grow up attracted to the same kind of guy.
This is because the consistency of the abusive environment which they are so used to, feel safe in this kind of treatment, compared to a change or something different.
Same for a boy with a controlling and domineering mum will probably get attracted to a wife who's doomineering and bosy.

wahh..am i attraced to short-tempered, or perhaps (mildly) violent kind of people?
actually bit true. And it's also sub-consious.

Nevertheless, this doesn't determine our fate or destiny. God does, especially when He changes lives and transforms us from within.

Praise the Lord, amen.

4. Other learnings and Applications:
2 minute rule. Just-Do It! if you have a small task and you think you can finish within 2 minutes. Else you'll end up with fifty 2 Minutes task at hand, and that's overwhelming..

------------
At the end of the 2 day session, at the back of my mind, i have 3 things to settle, reflect upon or deal with with God.

1. The healing of a past wound or memory that God brought up in my mind during the workshop. It was really locked up or buried, but unresolved internally. and I realise how it affecting how I have been relating to my father all the while.

2. To work through my current Emotional distress.
which is in the process, and something dramatic actually happen. (The death and funeral). not sure if it works or die a good death, or will it resurrect.

3. i forgot.. oops.

5th May 2006

Do you know what I hate most!!??

Standing behind a GENTLEMAN when you're in a Rush!!! (though I'm usually quite in a rush most of the time to reach somewhere)
Argh, when they just refuse to budge, and stand their blocking your way waiting for everyone in the world to move first before they will take even take step. Argh!!
And there at the back you're the victim. Esp when you need to go down the bus (or sometimes up) to catch your train etc.

Camomile tea is not nice le..tried twice.. But hmm.. No good. Tried the Earl grey.. It has a stronger sweet and unique 'golden' taste..hmm. Went back to Kensington this morning.
Hmm, hv drunk 3 times hot English tea already since last two days!

Btw, My boss suddenly bought us Spinelli ice-blended Mocha. What a pleasant surprise!
The previous time, he surprised me with a Corrinne May CD after I commented about her in his car. Yah, he gives us rides back also if the time matches. "Want a ride?" That's his usual phrase. Last time, I thought I heard "Are you alright?" and I answered "yes". But I didn't move/budge from my seat to follow him out. And realised the mistake. That was really a joke.

Just now went to Jurong JTC(with Benaiah) for lunch with June Sew (working at South West CDC as Social/Community Development Executive or something like that. She needs to handle or interview people who comes in for financial assistance, and usually lot cases with distressed clients or commotions. Btw, this sis's also coming to Adult Service soon next week!

Symptoms of downess/unwellness:
Drinking hot English tea
Blogging a lot..oops..

To let it die..

Last nite, I had to let my heart die. Never thought that this would happen. Was only anticipating for the other one but never came across my mind this would be the solution.
Not too long ago, I was thinking, how do you deal with a heart that's corrupted or entangled with sin? As in the eye, you can gourge it out, or the hand you can chop it off (bible illustration)

However, after I attended those seminar and workshops below, I realised of course I was in fact encountering one of the Emotional Distresses.
And my responses, if I let it fly and just go according to my feelings, will lead to sin. Hence the constant inner conflict and struggle. But, sometimes, your emotions override your logical mind.

That's when you need to learn how to handle or cope with it. Actually for my case, I don't know exactly, and still finding out how to outroot that problem. Yea, one thing is to dig deeper as to the cause of that (irrational) thought that cause you to feel so. Of course when I'm going through it, I deny that it is irrational due to the realness of the circumstances to me, coupled with some 'revelation' which I really hope is not true (question, is it coming from my self or God? -- but nevertheless, reality is the thing is coming true -- which cause me to even be in more distressed.

What can I do? I feel that I am totally immobilized. Only by God's grace and strength I manage to get through the past few occassions facing the trigger.. And even behaved and prayed against what I feel other wise.
Of course at that point in time, it's replacing my mind with God's will and purpose. It's so difficult but by His Spirit I manage. At the back I struggle like hell. Safe people would see some of my symptoms. (As in the the more satble and mature people in my Care Group - hopefully I do not stumble them and hope not to)

But since recently, it has become too intense that I cannot take it anymore. It's alright when the trigger is not around of course (out of sight, out of mind), but when it comes right under your nose and eyes. The threat is real and you totally blow it.
How can you be totally and sincerely Loving, caring & inviting (God's way) towards the person which you'll naturally be hostile towards under the circumstance of the Emotional distress you're under?

Me talking too much now. Anyway, although painful, this is my only workable solution.


Supporting reasons for having to let my heart die:
- I can't bear (God will not test me beyond what I bear yah..) Else I cannot serve
God. Been thinking I'll NEED to change CG! out of my desperation. (but that's even
more unreasonable..).
- the direct/immediate source of the emotional distress is smeared/entangled with
self-centeredness and selfishness.
futuristically, it may not be feasible. Or most likely not, I dare not admit.
- seems like a good timing to do so.

Question to ask myself:
What does God says, and is the way I'm handling this now the way God wants to refine me and do His work in me? Don't want to end up doing things my way or escape from it. Anyway, this decision is out of a need. Came out of sudden. Sometimes, I think I'm like escaping from possible hurt and pain again, like what I'm quite good at doing.

There's a reason God brought me to a corner where I can't escape again, and I thought it is a trial (my 2nd trial). But whatever it is, I'll contiunue to search what God wants to teach me and mould me in.
God please tell me if it's other wise.


Funeral will be on
Saturday, 6 May 2006
Venue: Chinese garden, 'inner' lake side.
Time: AM.

In Memory of… … ... (this part of my heart).. 6 May 2006
Goodbye..


Now there is mourning, sadness and tears.. But soon there'll be joy and new life!

Addition: God showed me a verse
Habakkuk 2:3
The LORD's Answer
3 For the revelation awaits an appointed time;
it speaks of the end
and will not prove false.
Though it linger, wait for it;
it will certainly come and will not delay.

(not saying anything. God's word need to be read in context). Too tired to do so. went to sleep

Disclaimer/Note: this is not about my sheep! sheep, this is not about you.
This is concerning BGR..and yes, as the means to Build Godly Relationships!!!
And for the heart to die, it is a process. the mind and heart need to reconcile.
Therefore I pray that my mind'll be renewed by the right things by the Holy Spirit.