To let it die..

Last nite, I had to let my heart die. Never thought that this would happen. Was only anticipating for the other one but never came across my mind this would be the solution.
Not too long ago, I was thinking, how do you deal with a heart that's corrupted or entangled with sin? As in the eye, you can gourge it out, or the hand you can chop it off (bible illustration)

However, after I attended those seminar and workshops below, I realised of course I was in fact encountering one of the Emotional Distresses.
And my responses, if I let it fly and just go according to my feelings, will lead to sin. Hence the constant inner conflict and struggle. But, sometimes, your emotions override your logical mind.

That's when you need to learn how to handle or cope with it. Actually for my case, I don't know exactly, and still finding out how to outroot that problem. Yea, one thing is to dig deeper as to the cause of that (irrational) thought that cause you to feel so. Of course when I'm going through it, I deny that it is irrational due to the realness of the circumstances to me, coupled with some 'revelation' which I really hope is not true (question, is it coming from my self or God? -- but nevertheless, reality is the thing is coming true -- which cause me to even be in more distressed.

What can I do? I feel that I am totally immobilized. Only by God's grace and strength I manage to get through the past few occassions facing the trigger.. And even behaved and prayed against what I feel other wise.
Of course at that point in time, it's replacing my mind with God's will and purpose. It's so difficult but by His Spirit I manage. At the back I struggle like hell. Safe people would see some of my symptoms. (As in the the more satble and mature people in my Care Group - hopefully I do not stumble them and hope not to)

But since recently, it has become too intense that I cannot take it anymore. It's alright when the trigger is not around of course (out of sight, out of mind), but when it comes right under your nose and eyes. The threat is real and you totally blow it.
How can you be totally and sincerely Loving, caring & inviting (God's way) towards the person which you'll naturally be hostile towards under the circumstance of the Emotional distress you're under?

Me talking too much now. Anyway, although painful, this is my only workable solution.


Supporting reasons for having to let my heart die:
- I can't bear (God will not test me beyond what I bear yah..) Else I cannot serve
God. Been thinking I'll NEED to change CG! out of my desperation. (but that's even
more unreasonable..).
- the direct/immediate source of the emotional distress is smeared/entangled with
self-centeredness and selfishness.
futuristically, it may not be feasible. Or most likely not, I dare not admit.
- seems like a good timing to do so.

Question to ask myself:
What does God says, and is the way I'm handling this now the way God wants to refine me and do His work in me? Don't want to end up doing things my way or escape from it. Anyway, this decision is out of a need. Came out of sudden. Sometimes, I think I'm like escaping from possible hurt and pain again, like what I'm quite good at doing.

There's a reason God brought me to a corner where I can't escape again, and I thought it is a trial (my 2nd trial). But whatever it is, I'll contiunue to search what God wants to teach me and mould me in.
God please tell me if it's other wise.


Funeral will be on
Saturday, 6 May 2006
Venue: Chinese garden, 'inner' lake side.
Time: AM.

In Memory of… … ... (this part of my heart).. 6 May 2006
Goodbye..


Now there is mourning, sadness and tears.. But soon there'll be joy and new life!

Addition: God showed me a verse
Habakkuk 2:3
The LORD's Answer
3 For the revelation awaits an appointed time;
it speaks of the end
and will not prove false.
Though it linger, wait for it;
it will certainly come and will not delay.

(not saying anything. God's word need to be read in context). Too tired to do so. went to sleep

Disclaimer/Note: this is not about my sheep! sheep, this is not about you.
This is concerning BGR..and yes, as the means to Build Godly Relationships!!!
And for the heart to die, it is a process. the mind and heart need to reconcile.
Therefore I pray that my mind'll be renewed by the right things by the Holy Spirit.