Was thinking: God you really want me to go through great disappointments in my life so I can identify with my sheep is it??? (one good thing I can think out of the bad..)
Sob sob sob sob sob….
Just had the opportunity to speak to my boss bout my career 'development' plan as I needed him to sign my updated Job Description for filling record. As he has promised to 'look into it' ard BY end of this month. I told him (after much praying and asking Holy Spirit's guidance, peace and courage to speak up to him bout it).
----------------------------------
Me: Btw, July's ending, so will you be looking into my development plan?? (As he promised)
Boss: Ya…there's 2 parts. One's the training exposure. which is on going [what on-going?? It never even started at all in the first place(Except for a co-visit long time ago last year) and one one coming one next Mon which someone else help ask for it, and that's more than after 1 year!!]
And your promotion part. To either Senior CPA (No, i don't want to be administrator or progress this path!-i told him bef already le when he asked!) or CRAsst (yes this one!).
This one I'm having bit difficulty pushing you up. I think it's only March next year then I'm able to put this through. [what?? March next year! Ridiculous!!]
And I told him: March next year, that'll be quite long right? That's after 1 and half year.
And he told me ok, he'll speak to me on it after he's back from his 1 week trip to China. (which is 7 Aug).
(Ok fine. At least he's willing to talk or tell me bout it!)
ME: and bout the monitoring/exposure, will there be anymore besides the one which I'm going next week??
Him: hmm, this I'll speak to the CRAs and see if I can arrange or put you up for any. (this time I don't believe him anymore)
Me: Ok.. Or do I ask them directly and see if they need any help…?
Him: Erm, no. don't want you to touch on oncology studies. To complicated.. Bla bla bla. But studies like X, Y, Z are easier, for entry level. Bla.
Me: Ok.
Him: Ok, so I'll get back to you on that one when I'm back, on 7 Aug.
Me: ok, sure, Thank you!
-----------------------------------------
Phew. Got sad thinking bout it as negative thinking flood my mind. Heart sinking and feeling bit sick. But less sick then the other one.
'Sob sob sob'.
Then my thoughts came to this area, what God is or might be working in my life. (some thoughts connected..)
That He really want me to learn to Let go and Surrender two major tightly held areas in my life, and lay it down for His sheep..(for His purpose)
'Sob sob sob'.
The area of my 'needs' or greatest desire - the areas of finance (plus perhaps job "status") (increment, promotion) and the person I treasure.
Sob sob sob.
God's testing me if I'm willing to let go of all these for the sake of His sheep and Kingdom..
Yah, I am willing..
'Sob sob sob'.
But..don't or you really want me to be like this or go through this 'drought' rite? Can't imagine. But with his assurance and strength then think I can go on lah..
Stuck in this company for 1 year and 9 months then promotion or increment?
(colleague promoted in 9 months, I've waited for how many months more till this day? Another more than half a year, become 1 year. Siao. Other colleague will say you're wasting time there, 1 year is a long time you can progress, do or learn much more already.)
Was very tempted to look for another job or leave the co. if there's really no progress here for so long! Was thinking this place has opportunity for me to grow and learn. But not really true..
Sob sob sob.
Read this verse in the morning before alighting the bus.
Jesus: " Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?.. But seek first His Kingdom and his righteous, and all these things will be given to you as well" -Matthew 6:25,33
Yah, so reminded me, even if I don't get those material blessings that the world look for, or the extra money that I want for food, or buy the things I like and clothes, it's alright (I shouldn't even have to worry or be too concerned about this, but to put His Kingdom - (His people, sheep, lost sheep), and my life living right before him (to be holy, as He is holy).
But actually hor., before the above incident happened, I was allocating what I would do with the 'impossible' $500 I ask God for and waited for.
50 - Aunt (need give/contribute to her more money)
100 - Mum (50 plus backlog for whole of last year back to my account)
50 - phone line + internet/broadband
100- save
100 - insurance!
100 - pay study loan
50 - tithe (and ofcourse)
Hah, so I'll need ask God for $550. =P
See! Above, still not enough for me to buy of have nicer/proper food/meals or be a greater blessing to friends/spiritual family. And to mention shop. Hai, so if God is good he'll give me more.
Now what I'm earning is just enough for me to survive minus the above important/'essentials' also.
Hee.
But God is good, he blessed me a freelance assignment which will earn me $180 if all goes well. PTL. Get this, thinking already to give my aunt to buy her new washing machine! (should do this) But not enough still also. Haha.
Anyway, a surprise encouragement I received today from
New bro Wilson Koh's SMS:
"Rejoice in the LORD! For He knows our hearts and minds and our souls wholly. He who gave us eternal joy thru His Mercy and Grace promises life of abundance. Behold! And live a life according to His purpose. Wherever you are, whatever you do, He will lift your burdens….."
Reading into it.. Quite true and meaningful
Note: realized plural for Sheep doesn't have (S). so not sheeps but sheep. think i remember something like that.
Note: Oh ya, later in the noon, a senior collegue asked if i'll be free in late Aug, and told me that i'll follow her for co-monitoring! woa.. i asked, did boss ask you or you initiated yourself?. ok, my boss asked her. ok, so at least he did what he said. hai.. need i push him everytime? don't like. But have spoken to other collegues who's keen that they'll get help for their monitoring and will look out for coming ones and let my boss know. heh. :)
P/s: the sobbing on top is kind off real. the pain or sadness in my heart and
almost cried, bit tears as i think of it. Until the part when i remember God's
Word or promise loh..and His encouragement..
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