Soul Journal - Need God

25 July
Argh..need more of God, His Spirit's power, peace and joy to calm my raging soul and emotions that is like tearing my heart apart. His incomparably great power in me to resist the desires for what's not.
Think God is trying to teach me to voluntarily sacrifice things of a great but fleshly desire when it's against the will of God and non-beneficial at this point in time.

To learn self/emotional control and be stronger in my mind/will and not be easily led by heart/emotions - so that I will not fall into sin so easily.
Else next time jialat. How to be God's servant/leader of His flock? God is building up my level of temptation resistance/tolerance.

Oh.. Just reminded by that we must flee from temptation..that's the way. But I mean when temptation comes your way, what do you do?

Eph 1:18-21
I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints,
V19: and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him for the dead..and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms.

- I didn't go/ partial willingly dropped Choir (for the church Anniversary 100 member choir in mid Sept)
(if I don't do the counselling Hope Sem course then I would do the choir)
- still failed in the other area - letting my emotions and heart lead me instead of will/mind.

26 July
Until a 'blow' came and experience some pain then you willing to budge, do something, or stop ...
My heart's in confusion and my mind's trying to reconcile my heart - amidst the struggle and turmoil within, with God's Word ultimately.
What can hold me and stop me from falling into destruction? is God's Word, His love and His grace alone. He's always there for me and I can cry out to Him for help in times of trouble. Although I'm still struggling to get up and right, still pain and stumbling, I know that He will not forsake me. Infact, through this circumstance and experience, He's teaching me a life lesson and experience and building me to be stronger after I've come out through it and be a blessing thereafter.

This song came to me early this morning that I sang out when I was down and it lifted my spirits:
Friend in high places

I was in need and I needed a friend
I was alone and I needed a hand
I was going down
but someone rescue me

Chorus:
My God cares too much to say
His mercies are new everyday
I get down to pray
And help is on its way

I walk by faith and not by sight
If things do wrong and I will be alright
Cause someone greater
Is watching over me

Today, I had tears welling up countless times, in the morning, on the bus, at work. Almost. Wanted to just have a good long worship time with God and get my soul right but gotta go to work.
Was thinking, if emotionally or heart sick, can get MC or not?? :(
Hah.
Part of me here may even be mixed with wallowing with self-pity, grief, pain and perhaps unwillingness to let go (negative part).
I know hurt is going to come but I loved being in this position too much to let go. (like how people in certain circumstance love their bad habits or vices too much to really want to change).
I've failed in my fast which I wanted to take. Failed becoz I didn't stop myself (too difficult) from the break. Or perhaps the wrong way. Thoughts instead of action. How do you stop feelings towards people? (your mind). But you keep falling and falling for it again. You don't wanna loose it becoz it feels great. Yet you know it's bad.
That's why maybe I needed to get hurt abit to stop it.

There's 2 inter-linked issues which I need to deal with. One is the cause of another. It's gonna take a year soon (in a quarter's time) as I go through this journey of refinement. Not easy as it is a deep area, that God is working through.

Need to go home to dwell in God already. Not much time left.


Drank English tea today (a long forgotten lychee flavour pack). Haven't drunk one in a long time.
Those who reads my blog will know what it mean.