Stress

Who cares when you're all Stressed and alone with no believers around?

But my God alone who's mighty to Save.

Jeremiah 33:3 "Call to me and I will tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know"

Reminds me of the God help line 333..

Sob sob.
(Stressed bout work, ministry for people, relationships, a naggy mum. And what's not. And a little dash of PMS too)
:-/


0=-)
A little stressed saint

Replace your Fears with My Love..

"Replace your Fears with My Love"..

That was what God's Spirit spoke to me this morning as I was once again troubled with a re-surfacing unresolved deep-rooted issue in me.
It's something that needs to be purged out, like germs or wounds that need to be brought out into the Light then it can be killed and healed. Left inside, in the dark, it will continue to eat up and rot away your emotional and spiritual life.
Enough said,
SO what's the problem?
It was the same old problem which symptoms I have been struggling with for the past 1 year, probably from last Quarter of 05 or so. Emergeding my blog numerous times.
(Side track: In Hope or from church, you learn to see things in Quarters..i mean goals/planning. which is good! And I love that :)).


Was it from the mind? But the feeling comes from the heart. A heart gripping feeling and you feel all worked out when the trigger came.
Out of sight, our of mind and everything's good. But the thing's not solved.

Though I've responded and prayed to be and want to be set free in this emotional entanglement recently during altar call, and so that God's work will not be hindered in my and people's life,
The plague is not yet gone.

I wanted it the go away, but in my struggling times, I wanted the trigger/subject involved (the person) to go away. Why must it come back, please go far far away. Ha, this is only the mild expression. I can be guilty of evil. But it's wrong, so it's hard. Yet Indeed, our sinful self is very much plagued with sin.

But in Christ we are forgiven and washed clean, from crimson stained blood to wool pure and white as snow.


But now, i see clearer what's the diagnosis and believe God's power in healing this problem and setting me free!

(His/Him = God). It's always Him. God's love is so great and deep. Nothing can separate us me from His love. Even the love of my life.
:)

Yes, that's liberation.

Summary -- Oct 06.

Just blog some updates as i didn't get down to blog.. when so many things and issues crowd my heart and mind.

some where exciting, some where amazing, and some were just heart straining or mind boggling. hahaha!

as i've blogged bout my spiritual breakthrough event to renew my relationship with God about a month ago!
ah, so many happenings that i wish to blog out and share but..
hah, but procrastination, no mood/feel.. oops.. and other more important matters to attend to.. hahaha.

in SUMMARY:
Blessings?
there were improvement and amazing things happening to the area of my career/job and relationship. Both things have been improving or shows positive signs after a period of down fall or dip.
(As in seeing the peak of the hill or your desired destination after walking or hitting the valley for some time). Now realise still need to work on, continue to discipline and 'struggle' bit more. Continue training.

JOB
In my job, I could see the opportunity for me to become a CRA now, and if not CRAsstistant. My new boss's quite supportive (At least for now how it seems). So only need to really buck up and prove myself.

RELATIONSHIP (BGR)
It has been a long painful journey. And still is though of a slightly different nature now and seeing the light and near end now. Amazed by how things unfold or how it came to be.
(Elab more in future when appropriate and all things are sorted out. May God protect and hold all of us together. And nobody gets hurt..)

THANKS GIVING
i also want to thank God for the wonderful CG trip to Kukup (except for the nasty bed-bug bites and Itch thereafter!), for speaking to me or answering my prayers, though there are still unanswered questions to my mind and also showing yourself real and closer to me to experience you.

& PRAYER
Yesterday prayed for Sandy for her headache that she had for the whole day. her face looked so pale. offered to pray for her (after our Principles of Bible study Hope Sem class), but ended up my whole available CG (Qiuyan, Yueh Siang and Andrew Liew) who over-heard were pulled along to pray together.

Less than an hour later, she smsed saying her headache has left her. PTL! Wah.. So glad to experience God working..
And also through prayer..
So convicted should pray more too.. As the District's prayer and fasting has started too..
So need pray, and pray tog with CG to see God move in our lives and seeing new lives being saved and impacted.

MINISTRY
I came out with SOULS FOR CHRIST (with complementary verse in Isaiah 6:8b. "Here I am. Send Me!") theme for my CG's evax as inspired by God earlier in the year when seeking Him. But it was put on hold until the proper timing now..
Need to buck up in my spiritual life and relationship with God too..coz I am needed to run/spur my flock/sheep given by God under me to move forward and accomplish His will and purpose together.
I'm trying to.. Though I may not feel or am entirely fit. My devotion and focus on ministry or my spiritual life. Like dragging myself, as in my job. (Am suppose to lead the evax in my CG, and also a shepherd and armour bearer to my CL. And apparently an ACL, but a non-functioning one..) jia lat.
Of course hope to move forward and grow towards being able (in capacity and spiritual stature) to take care of a group of flock for now, in the near future. 2007? But I am also scared.
Hah. Don't think too much, but focus on God's interest on His people and how I can serve Him more and more, accomplishing His vision and plan for my life.

Things take an exciting turn if it goes by God's will how I see it to be.. :)

Conclusion: Of all, God's unveiling plans for my life for His Kingdom and ministry is the most exciting. (Hope to relive this feeling and re-focus to being Kingdom minded more. Overcoming self. With Christ.

He must be GREATER in me

"Greater" song. by ____

CHORUS:
You must be Greater in me O Lord,
Let all the rest fade away
Draw me nearer to You each day
I yearn to fix my eyes on You.

I want to give You my everything
Just to walk with You by my side
My joy is complete in You
For You are my strength, my hope


(my lunch time prayer song)
kekeke

a truly wonderful song i encountered during the Hope church 15th Anniversary period to worship and sing to God..

truly wonderful.

written by someone in church.

Jurong east

Taken at the mrt

T.B.C/My Reflection Simply..

How to proclaim the goodness of God in the face of continual disappointment and discouragement.
That was what I initially wanted to write about.

But as days goes by, I got more and more insights into my situation, like there's so many perspective to see what have been happening to me with God.

It's about Trusting God. Placing my trust in Him.
Surrendering un-surrendered areas in my life to Him.
Re-Placing my security in Him.


My story:
My Spiritual life in-retrospect. (End Q3 2005 - end Q3 2006)
From last year, there were many happenings, struggles, challenges in my life then ever before. So many ups and downs. In fact, more downs than ups. (meaning the Ups going to come! Haha!)
Been looking back at my blogs too for the entire year.

I didn't really realize until recently, more of after last week Sun- sermon on Spiritual Breakthroughs (24 Sep 06), and something that happened at night.
That I've lost focus.
God also used my CL and Shepherd spoke to me about me loosing/lost focus.

Yes, I do not deny that.
Yet this blog or awakening is Not about losing focus. In fact, loosing focus is/was the outcome of my respond to situations/circumstances and God.

Realised that I've lost focus on: Reaching out, Discipling others.
Though God did speak to me once during CG around Aug/Sep 06 - about my purpose in impacting people's life, in my sphere of influence, and particularly the CG.
(Partially realising that I've been busy doing other things but that actively.)


WHAT HAPPENED?
My relationship with God

Realised last Sunday that there was a huge unresolved issue between me and God. Issue of Trust and His goodness. Stems from hidden, buried or accumulated disappointments and discouragement with God that I've been facing.
There grew a barrier/wall between us and our communication.
(And me being the avoider rather than active confronter to reconcile the issue or knock it down)

That unknowingly, I've stopped talking to God much, or deep.
And how it affected my spiritual life.. (And there on)..

Ignoring this unsettled issue with God, I lost connection (being in the vine) with Him more and more. Though I've tried to read the bible. Or pray. Or fasted and pray! (tried)
But my prayer life has fizzled. Not that I had a strong or vibrant prayer life before hand!
But it got worst. I doubted that my prayers will be answered even, since He had been inconsistent in answering my prayers, or didn't answer at all.
I doubted His love and goodness to me. Doubted that He really cared. Circumstances in my own eyes and unfulfilled self-expectations showed me to be so.

Outcome: Gradual lost of focus and fervour/zeal.
So when your relationship with God or someone is not on good terms, you naturally won't be talking to the person much nor doing things for them, or with them, not to mention with zeal or fervour.
I can't or don't even feel like praying. My heart was heavy. Not to mention praying.

-One Sunday (2-3 weeks back), at Sunday Praise & worship time in church, I was reminded of His love for me, the ultimate one was already shown by dying on the cross for my sins to give me Life.
So if God loved me to that extend, what are the other things I thought He didn't do for me compared to that. So He loves me.

-While practising for the church Anniversary choir also the week before 16 Sep 06, we were rehearsing the song "You Are Good" by Israel Houghton.
While singing it half way, I realise I couldn't sing it with conviction, that He is good.
But the other songs esp. 'You Are Holy' I could worship/sing.. Those are the areas of God that I can't deny..not to mention deny that He is God.


to be cont'
Getting back on terms with God





Renewed perspective of God's goodness:






God's work in me:






BREAKTHROUGHS..

God's goodness: Lorna & Jamie's testimony.

below is a testimony forwarded by my bro to me today.
They are my cousin (Lorna) & cousin-in law (who moved/migrated to Australia after getting married). Not only is it warm to see them praying together as a couple, experiencing God's goodness and finding a house to settle there, plus sharing this wonderful testimony about God to family & friends,
reading about God's goodness again touched me. and I wanted to blog about this too.

Recently back, reading on some testimony about God's goodness in someone elses life made me broke down in tears. I would recall during my birhtday this year. coz i did not see those blessings happening in my own life. Small, simple and Sincere and genuine things that i prayed, asked God for did not happen. Nor bigger things that mattered to me.

On other times, reading on other testimonies would sometimes make me smile, or inspired.

I hope to be writting soon about what i've learnt, or am learning, to see God's character, His goodness in a new way.

:)

How do you continue to say that "God is good" and live out "just fix your eyes on Him and call on Him in times of need and He will answer your call with grace and love" as mentioned by my cousins - when seemingly, intermittently, occasionally or continually, your cries of prayer or desperation to God produce no results or no change in circumstance, or bad/worst situations?

How to proclaim "God is good" in the face of continual disappointment and discouragement.

(hopefully coming soon).

-------------------------------------------------------

Subject: A Testimony of How our New Home was Preserved for US

Dear Family and Friends,

This will be a short mail to share with you of God's goodness in our lives. Of course there are zillions of things to share but this one really stands out.

As some of you may know, we recently bought our first home and it was a very stretching experience. You see, we first saw this new development called the Waverly Park Drive when were were driving past it in our friend's car. According to our friend, it's a very costly development and naturally we didn't even think that it was anywhere near our budget.

But as time went on and when we had moved into our current rented home, the prompting to check out this property became stronger and stronger. We decided to check it out and went to the sales centre to enquire. There we saw the floor plans of different homes and went to the four display homes they displayed. We fell in love with the place instantaneously and wished above all that we would be able to afford the place.

Shortly after that we met up with a financial consultant introduced to us by the sales consultant, and he was very helpful to shed light to our financial situation and affordability. Although he gave us good news, we were still very doubtful that we can afford the monthly repayment.

So a few months came and went, we let the new launch go because we were no where ready to invest. Our finances was just not enough. But we prayed.... and prayed... and prayed.

Our lease was going to expire next March and we either have to buy a new place or continue the lease for another year. Our Sales Consultant went on a holiday and we were due to visit him again after his return. He was quick to write to us when he came back and we went quickly to see the new release.

To summerise it abit, we found a house that has four bedrooms (3 upstairs and 1 bedroom downstairs). In the entire floor plans for this development, only ours has a room downstairs. And because it has a room downstairs, it also has a bathroom downstairs (not just a toilet), so that after a sweaty day playing, our kids (speaking into the future) will be able to wash up before running upstairs and dirtying the carpet. If our folks come to visit and stay for a longer period and didn't want to climb stairs, they could also stay in the downstairs guest room.

So again we checked out all the floor plans, viewed the display homes and met with our financial consultant again. We went through the entire process and it was quite intensed. During this time, we scraped on every penny we could find, transferring funds from overseas and basically prayed and prayed alot. We claimed the home and dedicated it to God, as if it had already happened, and proclaimed that it will be the home where we will also dedicate our children to Him.

Slowly we began to see things happened. Tax refund from the government, unexpected calls from family members, friends who were willing to help and all of a sudden it seemed possible. We started to negotiate with our sales consultant and he began to reply to our request. So we got quite a few essential things thrown in with the house. Like a security door, flood lights with sensor, alarm system, and many other small but essential details.

Between Jamie and I, we spent time in our small little hall praying for this house. We knew we didnt have alot between us, but we worked out our repayment and it was doable. I spoke with my mom, Eileen, and she encouraged us to "Just Do It", because if we didnt, we will never have the courage to take the first step.

So we did as she told us to, commited it to God, and slowly began to withdraw cash from our account to put in a $5K deposit, with a 10% outstanding deposit to be cleared in 15 days time. Each step of the way, God was with us, and He guided us to put in the deposit at the exact time that would secure us the house.

What we didn't know is that there were two other couples also deciding on the house and they were cash rich. They didn't have to worry about finances as how we did, they could easily put in the deposit and then decide. But somehow, there was confusion between their family members and they took some time to decide.

We went to see our sales consultant on the 31st August 2006 (Malaysian National Day) and there we sat for hours going through the details of the floor plan, colour scheme, tiles and carpet, and every small details we could think of. On that day we put in our deposit, and finally we could call ourselves new home owners. Of course our home would only be ready next April (end) but we're looking forward to it.

Just take time to look at how Good God has been to us. He caused the couples to be undecided so that we could put in our deposit on a Thursay night (we left the sales centre at about 9.00pm, we were starving by then). Now this is the thing that blew us away....

The very next day, the couple went to the Sales Centre EARLY in the morning with the deposit to buy the exact same house that we had just bought. There are 9 sales consultants in total, and because our sales consultant had ended with us so late the night before, he took our contract home, with the intentions to bring it to head office the next day. So the other consultants who were attending to the couple COULD NOT find the contract at all. The finally called our sales consultant and he informed them that he had already sold it to US, the night before.

AMAZING GOD, how good you are! We were only a couple of hours apart and we bought the house while they missed out. And the next thing that blew us away is that there will be no other new releases this year (2006) and for a similar design, they would have to wait for next year's release (2007) which means higher purchase price and higher interest rates!

How GREAT is our God! If He didn't guide us the way we did, we would have been caught in the same situation and the couple and worse, we would have had to extend our tenancy agreement for another year. We were so flabbergasted when we heard this story from our sales consultant, that we just stood in awe for a few moments, at how close we were, and how good God is, to protect His own and bless His children.

I just want you to know that no matter what circumstance you're going through, just fix your eyes on Him and call on Him in times of need and He will answer your call with grace and love. This is not a testimony of healing or salvation, but just to share with you of the goodness of God in our lives.

Because He had provided for us, we can also provide for you. Come visit us next year and check out our new nest...

Love you all.

Jamie and Lorna
----------------------------------------------------------

hah, and at least now I would have a place to stay if I go to Australia in the future! haha.

Little sis

Didn't put any pic for a long time.
so here's one.

Minzhen and me.
dunno why, just a cute little sister in Christ,that came after HuiLi (last sis harvest fr Christmas 2004 - beloved sis, close and touching moments before i moved on to Adults congregation) that i click with.


hah, can see Shirley (Sim) at the back.;P

there's many more whom I just met/bumped into after Planet Shakers concert this month (Aug) like Asleigh.

blog more on them next time..

Hope Sem & Ministry

Sender: Subject:
CCHM Grades for Inner Healing & Forgiveness course


Just caught this heading in my Yahoo inbox. And my heart really jump a beat or came to a halt for a few sec. I thought. hah. not becoz of the Subject but the NAME of the sender!!! Also the unexpectedness of it and the grades. muahhaa
Knowing the instructor's quite strict and not as merciful bro Tsum Tze Wei,
you won't know if you'll be getting a F or something and it's not impossible.

Was a scary email!
Hhaha.
anyway, thank God. Though didn't get any As....:
----
Hi Doreen,



Your grades:

Attd - 5% - 4.00
MCQ1&2 - 20% - 20.00
MCQ3 - 10% - 10.00
Research - 20% - 20.00
Grp - 20% - 16.00
Reflectn - 10% - 6.25
Scripture - 10% - 4.75
Log - 5% - 5.0
Total Grade - 100%- 86.0

'VERDICT': B+

Well done.





Blessings

---------

Lost much marks to the Scripture memory test - which was down to every punctuation and , . " "...

Grades aside, what i enjoyed was the enriching and learning experience, exposure and knowledge through the course. Foremost understanding of self, and people, awareness of the spiritual and emotional realm. think i blogged bout this bef.

---------------------------------
This 3rd and last Semester, I'm taking only:
Principles of Bible Study. (with fellow CG mates - that's nice!)
Enjoy the slow pace and easy digestible course on studying God's Word.
I forgo or forgone, the Basic Counselling Skills & Techniques for this Sem already..
Also Old Testament survey last Sem.
Will try to catch them up this few years..
Dunno how long more, some or most only repeats every 2 years.

---------------------------------


MINISTRY (Church level):

-Officially came out (They call it quit!) of NETs ministry. (It's already evolved to
be called Registration,Payment/Info counter or something though)

- joining Hope 15th Anniversary church Choir - 16 Sep! :)

- Still stuck (in a good sense) with BLM (Biz Life Ministry) - see what I can still learn or what and how I can contribute still.

Cont' to flow or see God's direction in this and plus other future ministry.

Birthday Blessings and spiritual blessings in disguise

For 23 Aug, Wednesday

Came back yesterday to my office to find many more gifts and a few cards on my desk. So sweet. My dear colleague YY has gone to Taiwan, and the Taiwan colleagues bought me gifts for my birthday, so sweet.
Dear Patricia (a sis in Christ) gave me a card with 'Prayer' hands and many crosses on it and a nice sea shell heart shaped 'jewellery' box with a very nice white heart-shaped pendant neck piece. A simple accessory and easy to match.
Shan shan and Wendy Wu (a very new colleague) together bought me a 'diamond' necklace packaged in a very nice cute small flowery red hear-shaped box with ribbon.
While my dear YY colleague got me a hair clip made of 'barnacles?!' argh.. Bit geli but has purple shells around it to make it look like flower. I like the purple but the barnacles still look geli. I may wear it though..
And a very nice card.

Then in the eve, a new friend Zhang Na met me for dinner to pass me a nice pair of butterfly shaped like purple ear rings!
Looks quite nice.

Thinking why all accessories. I went back to M'sia and bought quite some accessories already including many many pairs of ear rings (need to find silver ear rings).

Anyway, above are some nice surprises for me.

However on the same day, my 'acting' HR/ office administrator told me that my CPF will be 24% from this Aug/this month.
Huh.. Is it? I didn't realize. 1st year for PR is 9%, 2nd year 24% and 3rd year 33%.
Oh ok.. Yah. Already 1 year. I was taken a backed by this fact that my salary's gonna be cut by.. $300?

I went to check CPF Board website.
1st year: employee's contribution - 5%
employer's contribution - 4%
2nd year: employee's contribution - 15%
employer's contribution - 9%
3rd year: employee's contribution - 20%
employer's contribution - 13%

Hmm ok, hoping not all the 24% will be cut from my salary. Coz Employer's suppose to contribute a partial amount. So the 24% is all from me or not?
But I calculate my current pay, seems like 9% is deducted from my salary leh..

Need to check my pay slip again, check my coming pay slip and clarify if any disparities.

Above is like a blow to me, wanting and needing more pay from God and now I got a pay cut (although it goes to the long term account). Deeply saddened, troubled initially and challenged in faith.

I kept calculating my budget again and again yesterday to see how I could survive.
Very concerned though in my heart trying or believing God will make a way and put thing into place.
- 1 remedy action is to pay off the remaining pledged CBFund in advance (since my computer loan repayment only start this month and the accumulated funds can be used rather than sitting there), and hence I can channel the extra 100 into my monthly expenditure. Else I'll only be left with 150 upon minus-ing 150 for (minimum) transport and HP bills.
Pathetic rite? Hahah.


The days before God showed me the verse:
Hebrews 10:36 - You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.

24 Aug 06
Today I was thinking -
God's continuing to do His work on me in this 2 areas - relationship and finance,
So what needs to be done for this 2 (or any areas)?

To be filled by, to be trusted and surrendered to Him.

Subconciously I have been thinking, what will of God that needs to be done..? or am I doing, or not doing..

The only 'God's will' that came to me today was the verse:
'Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstance, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.'
- 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

P/S: Oh,btw, my boss was busy busy since he came back and I haven't approached or initiated any up front confrontation with him yet about my job promotion aspect. And what I can Expect!
Seems negative but I still wanna believe and pray for God to work.

Wanna continue reading Ps Cho Yonggi's 'A/The Fourth Dimesion' book on spiritual realm Prayer!
Powerful principles to apply after I discern if it's biblical!

17 August 2006

17 August 2006

Today's my Birthday.

Today my eyes are filled with tears. Becoz of 2 areas of my life I feel sad/down.
[I know God will not disappoint me. And I hope that God's goodness will be shown to all (ppl I know) despite now. It will be shown when the time comes]


Afternoon my mother told me my grandmother passed away.
Double tears.

I'm taking half day leave from work.
....
Thank God- i get 3 days compensation? days off from work.

New Thumbdrive!

Wonderful!
Just received a thumbdrive from the company! One of my forgotten wish/need list come true.

My personal little memory 64MB IBM thumbdrive's already full! Didn't do spring cleaning that's why.

Though for a long time felt the company should be providing the staffs with that, coz there's a need for everyone to function too, hence..
FINALLY! (for everyone too)
What a blessing. (this is only some material blessing)

Problems problems problems…
problems in relationships, problems in career

Wanted to say 'what a b***** mess!!' '

BUT..

As what God reveals in His Word, we can and should see it as
Training training training..
Build up muscles and strength.. In area He want to build you up

One of it for me: Managing conflicts properly/ independently (not too dependent on other people but more to God hopefully)


James 1:2-4 >
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you KNOW that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."(NIV)

"Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way." (The Message)


1 Thess 5:16-18. "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

So with this I can turn my despair and pain into Joy!
I can also smile in my heart in midst of this training to look on the positive side, though things hurt. And it's tough..
can feel that I'm bit more stronger this time from the muscles built last time on the above area.
Now is to continue to exercise it.. So it can be developed to the to the fullest working potential. Complete, in Christ-potential.

Besides this, still have other underlying and other issues or mess to sort out. (And oh what a mess.)
Like trying to grasp to a FULL understanding and conviction of a certain principle in handling BGR the best and God's way.
Want to get hurt then learn? By my own/old way, already can get hurt but still not yet birth or reap fully the consequences, that's why don't feel pain.
My shepherd trying to warn and teach me coz she knows how hurting it can be. The extend of hurt...

Ai, how??...
Only by God's grace to see me through and His mercy. But die die disobedient will surely reap the consequences.
Your heart and feelings can EASILY lead you astray..

Job: may the name of the Lord be praised!

Wednesday/Thursday:

How would you feel if the only and very thing you wanted and asked God for specifically was taken away right before your eyes..?
You placed your hope and trust in Him and you asked Him

In the morning, just came across the verse:
Matthew 7:11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

But yet, he didn't give you what you asked or prayed for sincerely..

What if it's only something as simple or innocent as a piece of bread or a cake? Not only that, you also see your only 'precious' thing begin to swift away, or taken away. And I'm not even talking bout my job yet.

Disappointed..
How would you be able to praise God at that moment? To know and acknowledge that God is still good?

and upset..
When grief and pain snuff your heart and you are fighting tears, (and the times when pain escalates from your heart to your neck)


Upon thinking, God is a Father who give good gifts, and why he didn't give?
was because what I asked for wasn't good for me at the point in time!
(because the thing is bad for me, He's working something better in me e.g. discipline- keeping to my fast? wanted to show me something and/or He has something better in store).

And you try to console or reconcile yourself using this all circumstance encompassing verse "..in all things God works for the good of those who love Him" - Romans 8:28, to see the light of things.

Even the blog I wanted to send was not able to be sent out!


Nevertheless,

Job (in the bible Old Testament)
- his sons and daughters captured and taken away, the house collapsed and killed yet his other sons and daughters, his servants were murdered, his cattle and camels destroyed and stolen. (4 disasters in a row).

In modern times, that would be like your children attacked and taken hostage and killed by terrorist, your house was blew away by tsunami or bombed, and your workers, cars, possession and children killed all at once….

But Job upon that moment:
Job 1:20-21 -At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell down to the ground in worship and said: "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart.
And said:
The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised."







God, you can take my job away.. But let me be just like Job.




Footnote: Job was a man who was blameless and upright. He feared God and shunned evil. (Job1:1)
The Disasters that befall him was incited by Satan to God to test him.

But instead of accusing and cursing God, he bowed down in worship and praise God.

the Title I would like: In likeness of Job - may the name of the Lord be praised!

Pasir Ris. 1 Aug 2006

Went to my aunt's place on Monday nite.

Though every time spent there is only about 2-3 hours, thank God for a nice fruitful time.
My cousin shared bout her new job woes. First time she shared so much to me or deeper.
My cousin Judy was 1 of the names I wrote on the Easter outreach card, but due to distance and circumstance, didn't really able to outreach to her so much.
But thank God for the relationship building and progress.

Besides, had a nice home prepared carbonara ham pasta dish, (carrot potato chicken) soup and bitter gout (both with chicken) dish. Oh not to mention Thought the night would just end up like that.
My uncle came back late from library.
(last time every time, would try to share to him something on Jesus Christ the Saviour and living truth when I see him, and he would engage me or vice versa on some discussion topic).
I believe and will continue to pray that this family (with my uncle, aunt and cousin Judy) will come to know His love for them.

Quite amazed, coz I found a foosball? Or mini table soccer table right in their living room! (found out their good friend Uncle Bob bought it for their grandson Ryan)
Wah..so fortunate. Ended up trying to play a few games with my uncle. Aiya, I was so lousy in that that I lost so many goals to him. Had enough of losing and then went home feeling so sleepy the entire way..

LOVE - is Laying down your life for.. His sheep

Was thinking: God you really want me to go through great disappointments in my life so I can identify with my sheep is it??? (one good thing I can think out of the bad..)
Sob sob sob sob sob….

Just had the opportunity to speak to my boss bout my career 'development' plan as I needed him to sign my updated Job Description for filling record. As he has promised to 'look into it' ard BY end of this month. I told him (after much praying and asking Holy Spirit's guidance, peace and courage to speak up to him bout it).
----------------------------------
Me: Btw, July's ending, so will you be looking into my development plan?? (As he promised)

Boss: Ya…there's 2 parts. One's the training exposure. which is on going [what on-going?? It never even started at all in the first place(Except for a co-visit long time ago last year) and one one coming one next Mon which someone else help ask for it, and that's more than after 1 year!!]

And your promotion part. To either Senior CPA (No, i don't want to be administrator or progress this path!-i told him bef already le when he asked!) or CRAsst (yes this one!).
This one I'm having bit difficulty pushing you up. I think it's only March next year then I'm able to put this through. [what?? March next year! Ridiculous!!]

And I told him: March next year, that'll be quite long right? That's after 1 and half year.
And he told me ok, he'll speak to me on it after he's back from his 1 week trip to China. (which is 7 Aug).
(Ok fine. At least he's willing to talk or tell me bout it!)

ME: and bout the monitoring/exposure, will there be anymore besides the one which I'm going next week??

Him: hmm, this I'll speak to the CRAs and see if I can arrange or put you up for any. (this time I don't believe him anymore)

Me: Ok.. Or do I ask them directly and see if they need any help…?

Him: Erm, no. don't want you to touch on oncology studies. To complicated.. Bla bla bla. But studies like X, Y, Z are easier, for entry level. Bla.

Me: Ok.

Him: Ok, so I'll get back to you on that one when I'm back, on 7 Aug.

Me: ok, sure, Thank you!

-----------------------------------------
Phew. Got sad thinking bout it as negative thinking flood my mind. Heart sinking and feeling bit sick. But less sick then the other one.
'Sob sob sob'.

Then my thoughts came to this area, what God is or might be working in my life. (some thoughts connected..)
That He really want me to learn to Let go and Surrender two major tightly held areas in my life, and lay it down for His sheep..(for His purpose)

'Sob sob sob'.

The area of my 'needs' or greatest desire - the areas of finance (plus perhaps job "status") (increment, promotion) and the person I treasure.
Sob sob sob.

God's testing me if I'm willing to let go of all these for the sake of His sheep and Kingdom..

Yah, I am willing..
'Sob sob sob'.
But..don't or you really want me to be like this or go through this 'drought' rite? Can't imagine. But with his assurance and strength then think I can go on lah..

Stuck in this company for 1 year and 9 months then promotion or increment?
(colleague promoted in 9 months, I've waited for how many months more till this day? Another more than half a year, become 1 year. Siao. Other colleague will say you're wasting time there, 1 year is a long time you can progress, do or learn much more already.)

Was very tempted to look for another job or leave the co. if there's really no progress here for so long! Was thinking this place has opportunity for me to grow and learn. But not really true..

Sob sob sob.

Read this verse in the morning before alighting the bus.

Jesus: " Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?.. But seek first His Kingdom and his righteous, and all these things will be given to you as well" -Matthew 6:25,33

Yah, so reminded me, even if I don't get those material blessings that the world look for, or the extra money that I want for food, or buy the things I like and clothes, it's alright (I shouldn't even have to worry or be too concerned about this, but to put His Kingdom - (His people, sheep, lost sheep), and my life living right before him (to be holy, as He is holy).

But actually hor., before the above incident happened, I was allocating what I would do with the 'impossible' $500 I ask God for and waited for.
50 - Aunt (need give/contribute to her more money)
100 - Mum (50 plus backlog for whole of last year back to my account)
50 - phone line + internet/broadband
100- save
100 - insurance!
100 - pay study loan
50 - tithe (and ofcourse)

Hah, so I'll need ask God for $550. =P

See! Above, still not enough for me to buy of have nicer/proper food/meals or be a greater blessing to friends/spiritual family. And to mention shop. Hai, so if God is good he'll give me more.

Now what I'm earning is just enough for me to survive minus the above important/'essentials' also.
Hee.
But God is good, he blessed me a freelance assignment which will earn me $180 if all goes well. PTL. Get this, thinking already to give my aunt to buy her new washing machine! (should do this) But not enough still also. Haha.

Anyway, a surprise encouragement I received today from
New bro Wilson Koh's SMS:
"Rejoice in the LORD! For He knows our hearts and minds and our souls wholly. He who gave us eternal joy thru His Mercy and Grace promises life of abundance. Behold! And live a life according to His purpose. Wherever you are, whatever you do, He will lift your burdens….."

Reading into it.. Quite true and meaningful


Note: realized plural for Sheep doesn't have (S). so not sheeps but sheep. think i remember something like that.

Note: Oh ya, later in the noon, a senior collegue asked if i'll be free in late Aug, and told me that i'll follow her for co-monitoring! woa.. i asked, did boss ask you or you initiated yourself?. ok, my boss asked her. ok, so at least he did what he said. hai.. need i push him everytime? don't like. But have spoken to other collegues who's keen that they'll get help for their monitoring and will look out for coming ones and let my boss know. heh. :)

P/s: the sobbing on top is kind off real. the pain or sadness in my heart and
almost cried, bit tears as i think of it. Until the part when i remember God's
Word or promise loh..and His encouragement..

Sweet smile

I was walking to my office in the morning passing the bus stop and saw a small little boy in uniform (kindergarten) sitting by the inner curb eating bread. I gave the boy a little smile as I walked pass and the little boy gave me a sweet smile in return.
So sweet.. .(It was such a joy to the heart.. :) )

Soul Journal - Need God

25 July
Argh..need more of God, His Spirit's power, peace and joy to calm my raging soul and emotions that is like tearing my heart apart. His incomparably great power in me to resist the desires for what's not.
Think God is trying to teach me to voluntarily sacrifice things of a great but fleshly desire when it's against the will of God and non-beneficial at this point in time.

To learn self/emotional control and be stronger in my mind/will and not be easily led by heart/emotions - so that I will not fall into sin so easily.
Else next time jialat. How to be God's servant/leader of His flock? God is building up my level of temptation resistance/tolerance.

Oh.. Just reminded by that we must flee from temptation..that's the way. But I mean when temptation comes your way, what do you do?

Eph 1:18-21
I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints,
V19: and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him for the dead..and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms.

- I didn't go/ partial willingly dropped Choir (for the church Anniversary 100 member choir in mid Sept)
(if I don't do the counselling Hope Sem course then I would do the choir)
- still failed in the other area - letting my emotions and heart lead me instead of will/mind.

26 July
Until a 'blow' came and experience some pain then you willing to budge, do something, or stop ...
My heart's in confusion and my mind's trying to reconcile my heart - amidst the struggle and turmoil within, with God's Word ultimately.
What can hold me and stop me from falling into destruction? is God's Word, His love and His grace alone. He's always there for me and I can cry out to Him for help in times of trouble. Although I'm still struggling to get up and right, still pain and stumbling, I know that He will not forsake me. Infact, through this circumstance and experience, He's teaching me a life lesson and experience and building me to be stronger after I've come out through it and be a blessing thereafter.

This song came to me early this morning that I sang out when I was down and it lifted my spirits:
Friend in high places

I was in need and I needed a friend
I was alone and I needed a hand
I was going down
but someone rescue me

Chorus:
My God cares too much to say
His mercies are new everyday
I get down to pray
And help is on its way

I walk by faith and not by sight
If things do wrong and I will be alright
Cause someone greater
Is watching over me

Today, I had tears welling up countless times, in the morning, on the bus, at work. Almost. Wanted to just have a good long worship time with God and get my soul right but gotta go to work.
Was thinking, if emotionally or heart sick, can get MC or not?? :(
Hah.
Part of me here may even be mixed with wallowing with self-pity, grief, pain and perhaps unwillingness to let go (negative part).
I know hurt is going to come but I loved being in this position too much to let go. (like how people in certain circumstance love their bad habits or vices too much to really want to change).
I've failed in my fast which I wanted to take. Failed becoz I didn't stop myself (too difficult) from the break. Or perhaps the wrong way. Thoughts instead of action. How do you stop feelings towards people? (your mind). But you keep falling and falling for it again. You don't wanna loose it becoz it feels great. Yet you know it's bad.
That's why maybe I needed to get hurt abit to stop it.

There's 2 inter-linked issues which I need to deal with. One is the cause of another. It's gonna take a year soon (in a quarter's time) as I go through this journey of refinement. Not easy as it is a deep area, that God is working through.

Need to go home to dwell in God already. Not much time left.


Drank English tea today (a long forgotten lychee flavour pack). Haven't drunk one in a long time.
Those who reads my blog will know what it mean.

5 Year Anniversary

Hah, just realised this month is my 5th Year anniversary..

In SINGAPORE!!
(Clap clap clap). How to celeb? haha.


A new colleague asked after lunch, so how long have you been in SG? I counted 2001, I came in July to NUS for studies.
Now 2006 July!

PS: My hometown and place of birth is Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia :)
Earth citizen of Malaysia, but
Eternal Citizen of Heaven, Kingdom of God - Christ the King!

Testimony

(for instant facts- search for bold sentence below )

My closer-Christian-friend -'mentor' colleague, Yanyi(whom I am so blessed with) whom guides me and gives me advices or feedback and whom I can always ask any questions have been telling me before that exposure or experience which you can write in your CV is more vital, not the title exactly. So look out for opportunities to do or learn more things.

I indeed was looking at title since I joined, and feeling bit insecure or inferior being an administrator, and for long. Esp when relating to other Uni grads or talking to those who have yet to graduate. (usually ppl don't aspire or expect to work as an administrator with a degree, but of course there's many. And my job can be done by a diploma qualification). Hoping to get out of it and progress in less than 1 year time (like what my previous predecessing colleagues did). And became fearful and doubtful bout myself and wondering why am I still stuck in it for long.

And also the fact, my boss promised to let me go out to local sites for monitoring exposure (job of CRAs), since the day I joined. But so far, he hasn't fulfilled his promise at all. 2005 left and 2006 came.
Although I managed to go to a site once for Site Initiation Visit (it was great, but that's the only time and it's NOT monitoring). When another colleague joined, she somehow was called by my boss to go out once, and a senior colleague once (becoz she's officially supporting the project) to the site (and that was only less than 6 months being in co.). I reminded my boss once during early this year. He promised other trainings and that too. But he never really did arrange monitorings outing. Besides that, i rationalized that I was also busy all the time in office and no time to go out probably.
(disappointing - like my father)

For me, I don't like to push my boss, even for the promotion he promised to look into. But looks like he needs to be pushed. As advice by my colleague as he's a very busy boss with many people and projects affair to take care off. Anyway, I don't like to demand/push your boss coz he's your boss. But also guess I didn't pray enough or at all this year bout this monitoring exposure, hence didn't hear God's guidance for action. I only hoped and prayed for promotion (Title) and increment (more money), yet missed this important element of monitoring exposure which I just waited and waited and waited.
(Thought hah, proven that he really needs to be pushed! Or threaten him to leave the co. then he'll promote you like my colleague is it?) Hah, but I don't think my position can la. Not highly indispensable enough. Or perhaps too highly indispensable as an administrator huh?

Haha. After my Blogging and prayer on Wed, the very next day,Thurs (20 July) morning, my dear colleague Yanyi SMSed me to congrats me that I'm approved to go out monitoring with a senior colleague Michael! (I didn't jump instantly with joy as I was with dampened hope and no expectation all these while..but was amazed and grateful for this amazing fact and unexpected turn out.)

The fact that it's not my official study, and it's at CGH (Changi General Hospital) - both which only where my other CPA colleague would be appropriate to go since she lives Tampines.
But God gave it to me despite the odds. Hah. I'm quite amazed. I thought how it miraculously happened? And query my colleague Yanyi. She said she asked Michael if there's any monitoring visits which needs help and to bring me along (and this wasn't the first time she has helped actually - but previously no results), and he went to think and then asked my boss for approval (which is quite likely to have no problem with).

And Voila! God's providence in the form which He thinks will be necessary or helpful for me in my career development (which I missed out).
Today, my senior colleague confirmed the date which is on 31st July 2006. PTL!

(so pathetic waited for so long that even such a small simple monitoring outing my colleague will Congrats me..hah)

Some lessons:
# You didn't Pray so you won't Expect. You don't Expect, so you won't Act,you don't Act, you won't Get.
>>So Pray [talk to God or ask Him] always and for everything!

# To put my security based on my identity in Christ and not my position, title or status relative to the society.


2nd prayer/hope came through:
My workload has reduced tremendously for this moment (this Mid June to Mid July!).
Suddenly very little emails, or people dropping task for you to do this and that all at once. But yet I'm struggling to keep up with time-work balance! (Feeling lost with trying to focus on one task for too long or spending too much time getting stuck on one. Not very good, as every minute spent needs to be billed to the specified task/project and need to account daily 8 hours! So if you're free or wanna take a break -- not that easy to just be free! That's the bad thing. (Envy ppl who can just be free when they're free)
I have prayed of hope for this (less menial task so I can actually go dig deeper into what I'm doing and not blindly rushing to finish task, though I enjoyed it sometimes). And discovered me can be quite lazy still! :X
In hope I can learn more.

Need to learn to take hold of my time and be faithful to be focused and effective still..

Yanyi, Me and Wai Cheon doing a grp excercise



My Co.'s Regional CRA Training week - 19-23 June 2006 (Conference Room)



Malaysian, (Sg), Philippines and Hong Kong Nationals!


Korean and Taiwanese counterparts - all mother of one kid :)


Siying, me, Patricia (a Taiwan Christian), WC

Hot Seat @ Desaru (Con't)

(a long long blog now..)

Hot Seat @ Desaru __Beach resort 1st-2nd July 2006

Our Sub District core team (under Vivien Lee) went to Desaru, a beach resort over there for a retreat.
It was my first retreat. Initially the destination was Bintan. I was interested in the beach and visiting a new place though, but it was too expensive.
Effectively 1 days and 2 nites cost almost $200. coz have to be back to SG and Nexus for Sunday Service.

Thought of just going on Sat and back and not stay, but eventually they changed to Desaru, Johor.
I remembered being there before on a family outing in 1996? Or is it 1997 or 1998? Me and my bro and family took photos by the beach. The sand was extraordinarily finer and nicer and cleaner than I've tasted (or felt) before anywhere living in the West coast of Malaysia! Desaru is in the Eastern (though South) or Malaysia, facing the South China Sea, hence a cleaner (by comparison only!) sea, unlike the polluted Straits of Malacca. Missed Bintan but still long for the clear blue crystal white sanded beach and clean sea where I can wade and swim or snorkel? And play with some fishes perhaps..

Redang may hold some hope for me. The Caribbean or perhaps Mauritius? Or any tropical islands may be too far way for now. I'll put it in my listing on places to visit (besides Sweden)

Desaru Beach time


(tried to hide under a shade, but later reluctantly came out after much persuasion fr my shepherd friend Lihong, and thought i could do a nice jog along the beach bare footed. such a nice feeling. thought i would want to live near the beach next time. the sun didn't come down, ended up trying to jog backwards to avoid the sun hitting me directly (;P no wonder i was tired). PLAYED with huge waves too..quite fun. althought i was slightly down in spirit. :P)


Back to Hot Seat, the game itself wasn't as exciting as when I about heard it, coz by night, I was completely tired and wanting just the chair/sofa, or even floor, if not bed.
Praise & Worship time, my legs are too tired to stand, and almost wanted or tempted to kneel down while worshipping with the songs so I could rest my legs, but didn’t.
After P&W, instead of having any teachings which I thought we would have, Vivien announced we would break into groups of 5-6 and do something (for me it's 'play'!) the Hot seat. Hot seat is where everyone will take turn to seat in the hot 'seat' (it's a chair) and everyone else will pray and prophecy over that person, speaking words, impressions and visions they received from God.
Well, it definitely will be exciting coz will hear from God through them, and possibly directly from God yourself. The good thing is that if someone speaks something pertaining to you which is not known or revealed to them before, it only shows God's glory.

And to 'play' this game/session, we have to group ourselves with ppl from different units, not more than 2 ppl from the
My group mates were: Jeremy, Chukai, Jie Xian, and sis (oops, I forgot her name now). Except for her, the rest I more or less personally know, but seldom keep in close contact.

I was the first one to be arrowed/asked to get on the hot seat. (I was glad though)

My prophecies were:Whatever I could remember:
1) I am feeling discouraged or disappointed becoz something I've asked God for haven't come. But I'll have to be patient, trust in Him, I'm on the right track, need FAITH, I'll receive double or (more blessings than I can imagine?)
Like Joseph: who with faith even though Circumstances seems otherwise bad - being caught into prison was later chosen and rose to serve the King...
Abraham: who by faith went to the land? … .. .
Jie Xian jotted in her palm (will get fr her again if i get to)

For me I think.. Hmm.. Ok. What area is that. One area that most fit is my job/career area. (Or was it relationship i thought, but not exactly leh..) I prayed since early for increased pay. And for promotion to be Clinical Research Assistant (up from Clinical Project Administrator) though my job scope actually already more or less covers the previous job scope of the CR Asst which was promoted to the next level CRA1. But he hired another CPA (Administrator and split my amount of projects with her). Meaning I'm still covering from top to bottom (including the previous CRAsst's scope just that less projects, and I'm still CPA. In Feb/March when discussing our development, (my boss told me that my development path would be like of my dear senior collegue before, fr CPA>CRA in future). I asked my boss when I have the opportunity to progress or take on the role as CRAsst. He said will look into it in June/July.. (1 quarter later!) and I also felt the above was unfair in a way of my job scope. Why does he want to keep me there? and even envy the opportunities or favor my other collegues got. What bout me?

-------------------------------------------
Yesterday just got another email that a colleague got promoted to CRAII (while rumours earlier heard that she want to leave. Few months before that 2 senior colleagues (some overseas) also got promoted.
Was he too busy, Did he forget about me? Forget to look into it? (but obviously not now) He doesn't like me? Is there something wrong with me or my work? Hmm.. I know I'm not 100% fully excellent or effective sometimes but I've been keeping up and doing my job faithfully, keeping to timeline (saved by God's grace and help many times!). I've got praises from other managers and positive appraisals from project managers I've worked with and colleagues. From my close peer/'mentor' or close Christian collegue friend, I seem ok too. And recently, a senior ex-colleague who left to join another Pharma company contacted me to ask if I want to join her co. as CRA. Woa, CRA. Ok, so at least she has confidence and thinks I'm good or ok else she won't have considered to look for me, for a higher position some more. (I didn't respond to that though becoz of other working environment factor, and decided to stay put in and faithful to my current co. for now)

So above are the thoughts that ran through my mind. Through it, my security in Him (God) was tested. I decided to put my security and confidence in Him (instead of my title, people's comment or reaction or whatever..), and to move on and continue to do my work and face/relate to my boss confidently. And also stop comparing. (I've been comparing with some others, how many months they take bef getting promoted, how come my collegue's probation period was less than mine,how come the other part-time helper who doesn't seem to be very fast or time efficient too but my boss still favours him as want to hire him to full time etc.) Btw, comparing will make you depress and it's not God's will! (Do not compare or look to much to other workers in the vineyard, but measure how you've progressed from your own past instead)

Hence happily again forgetting the negative thoughts and wait for the June/July to come.

June or July came, but still nothing happened. Another colleague got promoted. My newer CPA colleague got to go out to the site (hospital) to help out (for me that's considered exposure and experience opportunity) for the 2nd time! And I did not. Some how, she got to go and I didn't. Yesterday I feel bit disappointed and discouraged by my situation and hence bit down when negative thoughts came. Then went to the toilet and seek God. Knelt down in the toilet for the 2nd time I could remember (in desperate times) to pray, commit to Him and get my heart right. (btw, my fav toilet at my place here's always dry. It's Big and clean!). Yesterday I thought back of the encouragement that God gave me through the Hot Seat session as I was blogging. :) Timely rite?

Through the Hot Seat session, God also says I'm on the right track. If God says I'm on the right track then I'm on the right track loh! :)
just need to continue to strive to be a better servant for Him at work (more productive and effective time wise, as sometines I can't concentrate or distracted at work)

My prayer is.. God I wanna have a promotion and a $500 pay increment. Sounds impossible rite? I've waited a long time for that.
(though my initial target was met already during the yearly increment in March). (wanna have a higher spending, blessing, saving, [and ok, giving as well] power!)

But with God, all things are possible. By End July. Thinking again, by my Birthday, In 17 Aug (give my boss more time, & as birthday present.- hope that it's not too much due to lack of faith ;P)

Ermm, also learnt bout God's grace, that we do not deserve and hence should not demand that God give it to us. So God, by Your grace alone. And by faith, in Your will. Amen.
(Trust that You have the best thing for me or whatever for me to develop)


Back to Hot Seat, was amazed I had words prompted by the Holy Spirit to speak and encourage to every single person on the Hot seat. Despite very tired, almost zoone off during prayer.
It was less fun or excitement than I expected perhaps due to tiredness. But indeed God's encouragement really speaks to me, like right now and I'm greatly blessed.
Thank you God!!


On way back through and fro by ferry! - via Changi Ferry Terminal (instead of by land which I thought!)


caught 3 planes landing. 1 taking off when we went there if not wrong. :) wonderful

WWJD...WJD

WHAT WOULD JESUS DO? ...WITH a JERK? (Damn!)




to be filled if any.







End: i think Jesus would stay cool…
Cool!

Zidane Vs Ronaldo

Post-world cup: Zidane Vs Ronaldo

Today I told a Zidane's supporter after partial reading of a full page article on Zinedine Zidane on Today's paper in the pantry:
"Hey, your Zidane's making headlines…"
(I was considering whether to send that or not in the first place, else I'll be breaking my own rules)

His reply came late in the afternoon
"Yea, more headlines than the Italian.. So sad"

Huh, sad? about?
Me: "Huh. Why so sad? Because Italy won?"
Zidane's supporter: "He made the headlines in the wrong
way"
….
….

Oops. Wah ok. Wanted to say so 'spiritual'.. (like what someone remarked when I said of course I went to Sun's 1st church Service and the person didn't which I observed - talking bout role modelling! ;P)

But after thinking awhile..yarloh. Initially I thought/feel it was cool in a way, not going into the violence details which I did not witness.
But after this, yah, not so cool lar in God's eye. But the world/media can't judge or are confused. But for us, we know and have God's standard. And God's judgement will come according to His standard, now and when the time comes.

So I replied finally: Yea, so you shouldn't wear you Zidane jersey out anymore... (:P)

And then at work place today, got a glimpse of the new laminating machine that arrived! Thanks to C. Ronaldo!!
Hah, my collegue was trying to laminate and A4 sized printed colored pic of her fav Ronaldo, and it got stuck in the machine. Went in and never came out.
So, the office had to order a new one! wah.. really thanks to Ronaldo. In replace of the one which was quite some ages ago (at least max 10 yrs)

Talking bout World cup, the main lab boss GM, John Marolf who initiated the World cup sweepstakes (lucky draw style -by each placing a $10 into a Kitty bank)won the Sweeepstakes himself as the Champion winner. Hah. And his assistant did make sure he'll give them all a treat. And he maked donations in the form of cakes to all. Seems like he like cakes alott…(as he offered cakes on the draw day itself)

Quoting Jean Paul Lewest the French MD (Medical Director):
"There's nothing Ronaldo can do with Zidane around.."

Be completely humble and gentle…

Wah. Not when after you waited 20 mins for the bus that never come, and you see every other buses that comes that route came 2-3 times already and your bus is still no where in sight.
Plus the fact I'm already running late again, and I don't want to be late/later than late.
So took the express 502 that came in the end after 20 min. When you alight at your destination, you saw your 99 bus right behind you (but not in sight when you were getting up the other bus). And not only that, there were not 3, but 4!!! 99 bus piled up together back to back.. (explaining why the long delay!). Not only that, have to pay 2.5x more on the express bus (which isn't any more faster) after waiting that long.

Though frustrated by that, don't want to let it affect my mood or work ahead at work.
Reminded by the Word (which I was reading on the bus) to be humble and GENTLE... Oh, and completely. (like my area of having complete trust and faith in God on area of finance which He's working on with me)
And hence submit to the Word and Spirit, instead of boiling with frustration and blaming the external circumstances..
(it comes with the desire to want to be gentle and be more like Jesus)

I didn't even get directly insulted or harrassed by an opponent enemy or on my dad/boyfriend/bro. (improvising S. Murali the Day Editor's description of Materazzi the Italian player towards Z.Zidane on the pit) Else, I'll be doing more than just cursing (albeit inside,alone, mild or non-filthy language) and calling the Hotline (if it exist!).

Ephesians 4:1-2
I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be COMPLETELY humble and gentle; be patient. Bearing with one another in love.

Zidane vs Italy

my my own notes.

On Monday I heard (fr Darren's msg) that Zidane's head was quite powerful. and I asked what he did. thankfully before i stupidly go and message someone without knowing that he actually head butted an Italy player to the ground! (and not shoot a goal) Wah! cool. or funny. i could imagine the scene in my head. poor guy got a red card then. (and that might caused France to loose the World cup champs? who knows) - both the consequence of anger put into action.

i missed the entire game though. Had my normal good needed sleep and only waited for the time of the results to be out. the next morning saw on the mobile TV the results. And was amazed. (it's between me and God.) erm, that Italy won. that Italy really won.

again, not becoz i supported them (as what I told 'Zidane' supporter on Sun). but just that I think they will win. And 'Zidane' went to say.. yeah.. i think Italy players are stronger..hahaha.

is it? I never knew. I don't know. I didn't really see their players at all this world cup and don't even know what colour jersey hey'll be wearing.
:)

anyway, heard that Zidane was the best player in World cup too! cool

Italy & Hot Seat part 2.

ITALY
Hah. Guess what. Italy won (old news now). I'm such a low frequent blogger. It's either I'm really busy or not stressed. Or stressed till dunno what to say/haven't digested. (side tracked) ;P

So..i gotta ask God, what now? hmm.. I haven't really wait upon his answer or press Him for an answer.. Coz I'm trying to capture and reflect upon what He might have and already done in my life all these while. Trying to piece things up. (me sounds like I haven't been spending time with God/praying yeah..)

Oh, so now I also have to predict the next winner of the champion league and EPL to prove to my 'boss' my spiritual 'gift'..
Sigh. Okloh. If God want to tell, He'll tell. If not, He'll not. I can still try ask lar.
Haha. On one definite condition. NO betting allowed! Else God definitely will not tell.
I wonder why Italy came to me when I didn't even ask. There must be a purpose. (Well, it's in God's hand. I just need to follow Him - as in obey Him and His Words, and so not fall Out of His will).

Of course many times I fall. Recently, actually for the pass months or almost a year soon (gasps..) God revealed to me my areas of life which I have yet to surrender to Him, or fully. Surrender as in to let go of that area and put it in to His hands. Entirely. And to trust in Him. The entirely is the hardest and biggest faith needed

One are is the area of finance- my complete faith and security in Him. (falls in this area):

Oh so the idea I had in my (previous part 1 blog). Was to go buy on Italy and earn money out of the betting (talking bout SG Pools). I even immediately told the one who could help me - which happens to be my CL, the idea I had and ask him to buy for me. ;P (also to account to see any blind spots or hit me back to God's will and alignment and principles of the bible),

Note at that period I was in a slightly distressed condition plus PMS perhaps.
By late afternoon, I realised something quite wrong with that idea which initially sounded fine and good to my mind. yah, eh..quite funny leh,and got more convicted that it isn't something biblical or God would approve off. Don't think I'm able to testify bout God through it if I win any money. Nevertheless, I also got another opinion from another Christian financial agent at night. just to see what he says.haha. Although I already decided more or less not something I would do. No regrets even if Italy wins.

Why?
-how will ppl see me as a Christian? ppl in their mind thinks Christian don't gamble. Yeah. (we don't trust in luck, but in God to provide) Though I thought I was only gambling with God then..with faith ;P

-Gambling's associated with vices, the root of many social and family breakdowns, greed, temptations - definitely not a place/channel to testify of God's goodness and greatness!
Psalm 1:1 Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way or sinners or sit in the ways of mockers…..

Because the fact that I don't bet, God through this gave me something to test and show how vulnerable or much I could fall into temptation caused by the area of finance or at the spurr or moment how can we fall. Pastor Jeff on Sunday's sermon said that the opposite of greed = is faith.

Oh yeah, the other conclusion - gonna test out my gift of prophecy still. :)
Purpose- to help and ministers to others, and to edify/encourage the chruch.


Hot seat- to be con't later

The Flower that landed on me

9 Jul 06 was Hannah/Shufen & Hanhui's solemnization marriage ceremony at Stardust clubhouse, somewhere along Rivervalley road. 12pm. Oh, I was suppose to help out as usherer. Melissa and Ruey looked so nice and elegant in their (unplanned) matching orange white color co-ordination! Hahhaa. It was a small cosy place though slightly out of the way. Nice deco hanging along the spiral stairs and a particular flower stand in purpole velvety color. Other than that was just so so.

Pic.
Bef,


during,



after



The last words I heard was Hanhui pointing twds me and say 'Doreen Doreen! (he's not the one throwing of course). Oh no. the next thing I knew. I saw the flower really falling my way. They've also shifted the launching bay by then. Arghh.. I blocked with my hands and a photo in my hands. "pop" it landed (thank God not on my head!) on the ground. I kind off froze for a while. Ok, perhaps it's near Melissa. I looked down and it was nicely below My feet/chair. Oh, clearly it's in my boundaries. The next thing I knew it landed on my lap (thanks to Melissa!). And I shrug it off back to her and lap. And she quickly passed it to the other girl beside her who said since early volunteered to have it and later said she has booked it. ;P
Phew. What a scare. I don't know why. Before the thing, I knew I won't be so 'lucky' coz I'm sitting by the side near the wall. But I actually ended up praying vaguely or faintly (in case), something like, God if you think I'm really going to be married soon then it'll fall on me loh. That time I was quite sure it won't. and today at work I asked Shufen, ei, did you like really or purposely aim the flower at me? And she said no. ok. A relieve. Ok, great. So it's a sign.

Another thing was, or funnily, I could feel all eyes, or especially the eyes of the two Mr. Ts fixed on me loh. How I responded to the flower bomb. I don't know what to say..or what Zidane would think now. hah.
Nvm. Haha. I 'thank' SF for the flower though at nite, though I didn't take it. Or didn't want to. (she knows my secret already too)

Early in the morning, what do I need?
The Love of God!
Love the Lord Your God with all your heart, with all your soul with all your mind, with all your strenght
As I find my heart and self depleted of God's love to love..

Then I can continue to:
Serve the Lord Your God with all your heart, with all your soul with all your mind, with all your strenght
"Love the Lord Your God with all your heart, with all your soul with all your mind, with all your strenght." the song comes from - Deuteronomy 6:15

Italy & the Hot seat

ITALY's coming up..
Just heard they won 2-0 over Germany.
Wahaha. NO, I'm NOT a fan of Italy, neither am I a die hard follower or supporter of any Country.
One fine day, I got an impression (fr God) in my heart the country Italy. Related to world cup.
Hm.. I interpreted it as Italy will win World Cup perhaps…

Dare not say so much.. Coz not really confident if it'll be true..or what.
Heard many comments from people that Italy cannot make it.
Everyone's bidding on Brazil, Portugal? and whoever the strong ones that will win.
But one by one, they were down. And up till yesterday. Italy beat Germany.

I thought of something I'm going to do already… (erm, but will need to seek God to confirm if I'm doing anything out of His will..)

Gift of prophecy..?

That leads to Hot Seat story at Desaru beach resort 1 Jul 06

to be cont'

ermm: WARNING: please do not be stumbled. think i'm gettting bit crazy or stressed out perhaps. take it has mere human words which is fallible unless confirmed by God and His Word.

the Past 4 weeks cont

Many other wonderful/interesting happenings for the past 3-4 weeks which i didn't get to get down to blog it down:
like..

-Kawan Go Melaka church camp (8-11 June)
-Re-visiting melaka, new home Seremban (11-13 June)


my Christmas teddy bear since more than a decade ago??? (amazed it's still in good condition! love to hug it again..;p)

-meeting Angela & Matt again (back fr Munich, Germany (13 June)














-Breakthrough in worship leading - Experiential learning: If God give you something to do, He will equip you to do it.
-the Long Island Tea experience
- Covance Training week, Team building session at Sentosa with - Decus COnsulting (Alan Tea, Viv and Mr. Tan.)
..
..
and of course God did amazing things.
- I got some phone calls.;P
- Decus got the business fr Covance.
- Darren came back to work (yesterday - 22 June-Thurs, but sick today!)

but of course the thing re-surfaced again..

Today and past 4 weeks

Wah, just got an email for my Hope sem course.
the amazing thing is that, i don't understand why i always end up getting a good grade for subjects which i fear/don't have an inclination to!!
even for New Testament Survey which i previously took, and had no time to study/revise much. But experienced God's grace. and got a A- or something! amazing.
i even fear OT (Old Testament Survey) which i didn't managed to take this Semester due to busyness and other responsibilities/priorities/commitment for the first two weeks when it started. When I wanted to tried enrolling for it (late enrollment), found out that the class was overpacked, hence i have to wait... 2 YEARS LATER!!!!!!;0

Any way, not having any classes (which comes with assignments, projects, test, exams etc.etc.) from this June- sept/Oct or so has it's blessings!!!

wah, freed up to have more time to spend with self to rest or relax (i Hope ;P) or someone would doubt, easier to meet up people, and of course, there's big Seminars which i'm freerer to sign-up for!

28 June, Wed: Paul Baloche's Worship Seminar
30 June-1 July: Fire COnference - Reinhard Bonke (not sure if/how sign-up to go for workshops though, or find anyone to go with me)
7 July: Rick Warren's Seminar
-----------------------------

Subject: Introduction to Church History - Grade

Hi Doreen

Your grade is A



Yin San, Huo

Education Executive

Ministry Division

Hope Church (Singapore)
........
........

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Covance 'honeymoon' training officially ended today..
will miss the regionals..

Conference Room Proprosal

Someone proposed in my co.'s conference room last Fri.
So not only are Business proposals presented over the conference room..
but Marriage proposal!!!
Whahha. Congrats to my dear sis SF and bro HH…:P
(i was bit shocked it was so fast..)

Something that got me thinking: public vs private proposal..

Prayer in a Praise..song

AM boost:

Ever wondered if you could pray while singing a praise song or praise God at the same time?

Well, listening to EVERYDAY (listened to the 1 by Lincoln Brewster, though should be fr Hillsong United)
Realised the lyrics are what I would end up praying in my heart for usually particularly for this song and then the praise would come at the end.." Everyday, it's You I live for.. Everyday.. I follow after You!"

prayer..
(verse 2)
Everyday Lord I learn to stand upon Your Word
And I pray that I might come to know You more
You guide me in every single step I take
And Everyday I will be a light unto the world..

(Praise!)
Everyday it's You I live for
Everyday I Follow after You
Everyday I walk with You my Lord

Of course it's possible. Prayer leads to praise! And praise leads to prayer..;P

But God, I will also need Your Word in my heart (and mind) so I can stand on it..a strong foundation that I can and will stand firm and not be shaken!!!

The Voice of..

My mum traumatizes me too..
Arghhh…
She had squabble with my aunt I'm staying with (step aunt to be exact) and quarrel with an issue concerning me. In their talk, asked me to shift out some more.
I became the middle issue. Or partly source.

Call me during lunch time. And *((*&)()(*)_*)(&)()(*)(*(*)(…….

Her voice itself traumatises me… for years and years….
(of course take some punch line advice and rebuke can already but.. It drones and drones…)
It's the voice...
:(

Addition to hate (discomfort) list: being caught in middle of quarrel. And they come and traumatize you. My mum talking to me (this need to overcome!!)

Think God is doing something (evoking the same emotions/situation) to see how I have changed or respond differently after what I have gone through....?

Conclusion:
We all need healing from the Lord a lott..
There's too many past hurts and wounds from life experience..

Q: Will I be the agent of peace? Will I be God's instrument to administer healing?
His love and healing power to the heart and soul..


One thing that I'm reminded of. The divinely planned guest instructor that came to teach at Hope Sem 'Inner Healing & Forgiveness' course last Sat.

"Jesus came to give us a full life.. But how do we get there?"...

John 10:10 - The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

Many couldn't experience or hindered from coming to having the full life that God intended.. And God has come to administer healing, to proclaim freedom

The 3 British people are involved in Christian Healing Ministry, Prayer Healing to be exact..
Interesting stuff..

Luke4:18 and Isaiah 61:8
"The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed,

"ariba ariba andale andale.."

I think i really needed to record this down. (bef i delete it away!!)
yesterday received a very funny SMS from my collegue, who's a very comical and fun loving person, who went to Vietnam on work visit. (he's a Phillipino btw).

"Hi Yan yi and Doreen my vpn is not accessible. Do i have any very urgent, life threatening emails that need immediate, super duper, speedy, ariba ariba andale andale attention. Thanks"

Sender: Michael Somera Ng Cvns
+65912774XX

this is so funny that everytime i look at it i can't help but laugh inside or out.
(I looked at my collegue then but she wasn't amused the other day. maybe becoz she was busy and also the one who has access to his email inbox to help him check).

;P so guess it's a personal thing. it reminded me of the mouse in cowboy had who runs very very fast while saying 'iba iba andale andale iba iba andale andale...' (instead of ariba ariba) running away from enemies if not wrong.

it instantly remembered the game that i and my bro ended up playing when we found 2 big magnets way when we were younger. We placed a small magnets on a table top, and played magnet cathing (moving the magnet on top with the two big magnets from the bottom of the table real fast). and i think we said "iba iba andale andale iba iba andale.." it was full of uncontrolled laughter and fun then, that impromtu game.

:)that was my memory induced laugther.

2 Sleepless nights and 2 lovely nephews..

Doreen Lim couldn't sleep at night on Friday and Saturday! And this is rare, and not that I could remember for a long long time! Was tossing and turning around from from past midnight till almost 2am plus or 3 am. And imagine the next 2 mornings need to wake up at 6 am plus or 7am plus.

Thinking it was my mind troubling me, and found relieve that at least this time my heart wasn't troubled! As in whatever that affects me did not get through to my heart to manifest in feelings..haha. (just my own consolation of having Improvement) The battle was in the mind instead. Subconciously, semi-consciously or sometimes conciously. But having a sleepless night isn't a great thing either! Now perhaps I know better why my mum or even my sheep have insomnia or have trouble sleeping at night.
But thank God, last nite (Sunday), for the very first time that I was SO GLAD that I actually 'concussed' or 'concusted'! (My term for falling asleep few minutes upon hitting your bed or pillow, and waking up at a weird timing, if not the next morning.) And that with the lights still on, and teeth not brushed. Usually I will feel remorseful, bad, until I'm desensitized towards this already.
I woke up at 5am. Then went back to sleep again. I really thank God..for letting me fall asleep.. If not, I don't know if I'll be able to stand or brave the coming 5 working days. Or even Monday! Sat and Sun I was already very sleepy and tired by late day, but yet couldn't sleep when I tried to rest. Mind's like refuse to shut down though body, eyes and brain's tired.

So thank and Praise the Lord for knowing my limit and me!

Sunday, spent lunch with my mum, 2 aunts, uncle, cousins, cousin-in-law, and my 2 lovely nephews at Tampines crystal jade.
(0h yes, my mum came from Msia since Tue. Found out she'll be back next Monday!! ;?). Brought my mum to Sunday service earlier).

The highlight was playing with my 2 lovely boys I mean my nephews. Yeah, they're not mine, and I seldom get to see them.
Ryan (6, primary 1 already!!! So fast..) and Shane boy.. Hahhaa. Shane's 3 now and has grown more lovely and adorable since!!!
Ok, taking care of kids or babies is NOT an easy matter. They require 24-hour attention!
Anyway, got the privilege to play with Ryan. Or seat beside him (he asked me one) and playing with me, or my HP specifically. Taking pics. Smart boy. Gotta use careful language and think of ways get him to finish his food before continuing taking pics of everything with my phone! Naughty boy. Take pics of people's butt some more, besides mushroom. Have to rebuke him.

Anyway, it is really fun interacting with kids.. Usually kids like me also.. Think perhaps older ones from age 4 onwards..
Shane is also soo cute, but didn't get to interact with him much.. Argh.


SHANE boy.. on his grandpa





Dear RYAN!!! :) Camera boy of the day!





Pic of me taken by Ryan!





Pic together 1 year or plus ago!! (Ryan and Shane Yap)

Add: Finally, last but not least..
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY! to my mum 13 MAY 2006


(why so red? coz CNY mah.. many years old pic ;P. Any pic on that Sunday has been deleted by Ryan!)

I Want Freedom!!!

I was screaming inside as i realize that 'I want FREEDOM!!!'..
I want to be free to fly and soar, to serve God with zeal and all power and strength. Again.
Feel that I've been robbed of joy for quite sometime. (1 Thessalonians 5:16 Be joyful always) or fullness and wellness of my heart and soul.. Where is the past happy and bubbly Doreen?
Yet I've learnt that joy is not hapiness alone... But the peace in the heart by trusting in God alone, that He is in control.
(So whatever I've been down with and struggling internally, or being tied down and held back with the sin that entangles…--God is definitely teaching me something, moulding me within, refining my being, making me like Him. eh, rhymms eh..)

And I thought of peseverance of the saints...

I searched for 'perseverance' in the bible.. And 13 came out in the NT.
Clicked on 1 Peter 1, and read around verse 3-7

Here's the answer:
His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.
5For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; 6and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; 7and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. -1 Peter 1:3-7

1. Faith..
2. goodness.. whatever positive and goodness of God i can grab hold or
fathom both mind and heart..yes, His promises..
3. knowledge - knowledge of God, knowledge and understanding of
what i am going through or going through internally as His created being.
4. self-control - to not let things go out of control or react/do
something silly or out of porportion/blow things off
5. perseverance - continue to pull through.. and seek God
continuosly!!arhh (Pray continually 1 Th 5:17)
6. godliness---the result of being..in Christ..
7. brotherly kindness --then i'll able to show love more and more
with true overflowing God's love
8. love -- and love then deep unconditionally and unlimitedlessly!!
i mean sacrificially..

MORE and MORE
8For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

amen

summary: perseverance >> godliness..

After effects and need for Deliverance

Still having some after effects..
Like when after you try quitting something, your body craves for it. (Hard to let go).
Having frustrated and tensed body whole day at work and can't concentrate well. Wanted to just go home and sleep.
Because of some trigger and your mind not de-programmed, you start responding the same way to the way you've been before. (Automated thought/ habitual respond pattern)
But I think there's some improvement as I tell my mind that it's been changed, so my body and heart won't respond to the previous way..
(mind needs to be renewed more and more each day-- if and when I go to God and think positive God Words thought, and sing songs of praise and worship to Him)


That's what I mean by dying to it..

Think I'm going crazy, but GOD.. Deliver me!!

Emotional (& mind) Learnings & Discoveries

Philippians 4:8
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

went to the two below workshops/seminar this 1st & 2nd May!
1st May's session was from 8.30am (started with P&W session thankfully!) up till 10pm!! the longest class i've ever had!! and what a marathon! amazingly and thankfully, my dear sheep also went, together with many other CG and Unit sisters (& a few) brothers. Quite encouraged to see many of them!

I think the workshop was really good and practical. It touched into the area or our inner being, the understanding of it that many of us seldom look into. Uptill when things happen and we feel so distressed, worked out etc. etc. and don't know why.
Worst, you hear stories of how people have been in bondage of a particular past hurt for 30 years until it was uncovered and healed, and finally freed!! after something happened that they ended up in places where people helped them to see themselves and overcome..

The councellors, people helper. (And of course with spiritual intervention where God came into the picture.) Only Christ and restore and heal our brokeness, give us hope and a new life, forgiveness of sin. Nothing else.


Help in Distressed Times Symposium

Date & Time: 1 May (Mon) 8:30am – 6:00pm
Venue: The Nexus Auditorium
Instructors: Doctoral students, School of Psychology & Counseling, Regent University

This symposium provides insight into the sources, symptoms and management of emotional distresses and different types of stress. It also consists of workshops covering topics such as anger management, emotional dependency, mood disorders, crisis management, work stress and grief. Biblical principles and practical exercises will be engaged. You would learn the techniques of caring for yourself and others.



Exploring God Workshop

Date & Time: 1 & 2 May (Mon & Tues) 7:30pm – 10:00pm
Venue: The Nexus Auditorium
Speaker: Dr. Glen Moriarty, Professor of Psychology, Regent University

In the Exploring God workshop, Dr. Moriarty helps participants identify and then find ways to change their emotional experience of God so that it more closely matches their theological beliefs about God. Many Christians report that they believe in God's love and forgiveness, but many struggles to experience God's love and forgiveness. They have head knowledge, but not heart knowledge. They understand God accepts them, but sometimes they sense that they have to be perfect to win His love. This workshop helps participants use practical tools to identify their emotional experience of God and then illustrates easy-to-follow steps to change this experience so it is in line with their Christian faith.

source: http://www.hopesingapore.org.sg/hopeseminary.htm



I was greatly blessed, inspired and learnt lots about myself and the emotions, pyschological principles from Dr. Glendon Moriarty
who lead the team of doctoral students.

I was blessed to have met a talked to a few more.. as they came to teach in the first lesson of AT107 'Inner Healing & Forgiveness' Hope Seminary course on Saturday.

1. Heather Brooke
2. Joanna ___
3. John
4. Shannan
5. Michelle King

Joanna is a missionary kid whos parents are fulfilling the call of God to minister to abandoned Children in Kenya. Their home has 49 children now..
at 17, she left to US for education and now is in the fourth and last year of her Clinical Psychology doctoral studies at Reagent University (same for the rest), the Uni where dear Charmaine Chee (Hope) studied.

Really blessed by their sharings.
And i understood more about emotions, my emotions, and how i can be secure and even acknowledge them. When i feel angry etc. etc.

In the past, i surpress or simply ignore or brush away emotions that are not pleasant
and simply forget about it. in the past, one year ago, i didn't understand that it's ok to feel hurt.. and acknowlegde so.. instead of thinking there's something wrong with me. in year 2005 up till current, i've been put into many circumstances where many emotions like hurt, anger, jealousy surfaced.. and i'm learning to acknowledge them and handle them in healthy and Christ-honoring ways..

I'm still in the process of discovering truths in this area and uncovering the past, buried or unresolved hurts and wounds to be healed by God.
Bit by bit. Well..towards emotional wellness and maturity!!
(They taught also that, people need to be equipped with the tools to cope with their past hurts or issues, before uncovering them, and as counsellors they need to do that)
This is out pouring of God's love in healing us and making us whole again in Him.
I believe this is crucial and also God's work in me to serve as His shepherd in the future.
--------------------
some learnings in brief:
1. Your Thinking affects how you feel, in terms affect how you behave.To change it, change your thinking (by replacing with God's truth)or thinking positive, you change how you feel and hence the outcome.
Applied in Cognitive Behavior Therapy

2. About God image
How you see (view or experience God) is more likely linked to how you view or relate to your parents in childhood.

We did a few surveys and actually discovered how i feel towards God has similarities to how i feel towards my dad sometimes. PLease note that this is the 'feel' or experience God emotionally part. (no time to elaborate my personal examples). can talk to me in person if you want examples.
btw, in my survey-- my negative God image shows God is a:
Divine Disappointment, Robber God,... etc..(forgot)..don't have my notes with me now..
this explains the doubts i had earlier about God's goodness and faithfulness in delivering His promises, not with-holding good things from me.
(And it ties in with how I feel towards my parents in the past, which shaped how i respond to life now. I'm quite a stingy and keep my posessions well kind of person because i felt that i wasn't well provided for, and whatever goodness i have, i guard it tightly, because i feel that if i don't, i have nothing for myself)
Now i'm still learning how to be more generous and give freely to bless others.
Difficult to comprehend and find a balance between being a 'good steward' or 'planning' with giving generously).

And of course in our mind, we know God is perfect, loving, merciful, gracious..etc. etc..
and at this seminar, the professor taught how we can connect our emotional/haert experience of God with our head knowledge of God.

For change to occur, we need both head knowledge and heart knowledge..

how true.

3. Interesting finding:
People are attracted to future spouse who are similar to how thier relationship with their parents are. For example, if a kid girl grew up with a alcoholic and abusive father,this person may grow up attracted to the same kind of guy.
This is because the consistency of the abusive environment which they are so used to, feel safe in this kind of treatment, compared to a change or something different.
Same for a boy with a controlling and domineering mum will probably get attracted to a wife who's doomineering and bosy.

wahh..am i attraced to short-tempered, or perhaps (mildly) violent kind of people?
actually bit true. And it's also sub-consious.

Nevertheless, this doesn't determine our fate or destiny. God does, especially when He changes lives and transforms us from within.

Praise the Lord, amen.

4. Other learnings and Applications:
2 minute rule. Just-Do It! if you have a small task and you think you can finish within 2 minutes. Else you'll end up with fifty 2 Minutes task at hand, and that's overwhelming..

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At the end of the 2 day session, at the back of my mind, i have 3 things to settle, reflect upon or deal with with God.

1. The healing of a past wound or memory that God brought up in my mind during the workshop. It was really locked up or buried, but unresolved internally. and I realise how it affecting how I have been relating to my father all the while.

2. To work through my current Emotional distress.
which is in the process, and something dramatic actually happen. (The death and funeral). not sure if it works or die a good death, or will it resurrect.

3. i forgot.. oops.